sigh
i find myself asking the same questions i remembering asking 10 years ago? will i ever reach a point where i will stop asking? why is it i have such a need to understand why things are the way they are? is it a control thing? if i really knew why, then would i be happy and content with the answer, or would it still not be enough?
is this what trust & faith is all about? stop asking the questions when you never get answers? because the questions run rampant in my mind does that mean i have not faith? will i ever be satisfied just being/existing? will i ever be satisfied in the midst of questions with no answers?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Goal Chart
This girl has been gettin' a lot of stickers this week!!!!!
I made a goal chart...to keep me motivated, encouraged, on task, and accountable. AND it includes creating the chart and the use of stickers so what could be better then that!?!?!?!?!
Some things on my goal chart are:
play the guitar again
blog
honor the Lord with food choices
no eating out
drink less than 1 soda a day
exercise
time with Jesus
encouraging others
reading
I have a long list for each day and at the end of day i put a sticker next to the goals that I reached for that day. I am happy to report that I am allllll stickered up this week!!! It's such a fun visual way to stay motivated! Yay for goal charts/stickers/and reaching the goals!!!!
I made a goal chart...to keep me motivated, encouraged, on task, and accountable. AND it includes creating the chart and the use of stickers so what could be better then that!?!?!?!?!
Some things on my goal chart are:
play the guitar again
blog
honor the Lord with food choices
no eating out
drink less than 1 soda a day
exercise
time with Jesus
encouraging others
reading
I have a long list for each day and at the end of day i put a sticker next to the goals that I reached for that day. I am happy to report that I am allllll stickered up this week!!! It's such a fun visual way to stay motivated! Yay for goal charts/stickers/and reaching the goals!!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Lucy
Meet my friend Lucy ~
I don't think I have shared this story with many people...but I think there is a reason I met this jewel of a lil girl. So here it goes....
It was August, 17th roughly 7:30am. I was standing in the first of a few lines in the airport in Santiago, teary eyed and numb. This was the day I left my 3 month journey in the DR. I have shared this next nugget of truth with everyone that has asked: I WAS NOT PREPARED TO LEAVE NOR DID I WANT TO GO. (I still feel this way) As I went from checking my luggage, to waiting to enter the automatic doors feeling Jen & John's eyes on me and hearing them jokingly say "don't look back" (I didn't) there were about a million thoughts running through my mind. Ranging from "who can I call to come and get me and how long until the G.O. staff realize that I didn't get on the plane" to "I can't wait to see my friends again" to "I can't believe my 3 months is really over" and on and on the internal dialogue between me and the Lord went. It's still going on by the way and it's been 5 weeks. *sigh*
OK, back to Lucy....As I exited the first line and got rerouted to my second line I spotted her. She was with an older woman, who appeared to be her grandma, and she was carrying a super cute pink backpack, and she just kept making eye contact with me and grinning from ear to ear. She had my heart right then and there. I said "hola" and she proudly responded "hi! you look just like my mom!" That was the first of MANY sentences out of her lil precious mouth. We quickly became best friends!!! She told me all about her visit in the DR, that she was super excited to go back to Ohio, I look exactly like her mom but whiter, allllllll about school, her little sister, and on and on and on. What a doll!!!!
We chatted in the Santiago airport...and wouldn't ya know it, she was on my flight to Miami just a few seats away so she kept checking to see if I was still in my seat all throughout the flight...she waited for me when we got to miami....chatted all the way to baggage claim...even ended up in the same lines for customs....THEN dun dun dun....I told her that I had to go to my gate. She begged me to stay, clung onto my leg, and cried HUGE crocodile tears.
It was if the Lord knew what I needed for my breaking heart and He provided this ray of sunshine named Lucy. I have thought about her many times since August 17th...I have thanked the Lord for her and the joy she brought me when I needed it! I'm sure the Lord had other reasons that I can't even begin to understand, but I do know that He has a purpose in EVERY single thing, that He uses EVERY single thing for our good and His glory, that things don't "just happen" but there is a purpose even if we don't see it or understand it.
I guess you can say that I see this as a trend in my life the past year and a half...things that seemingly don't make sense or things that seem mundane and ordinary but they are indeed being woven into my life for His purposes and His plans and some day whether it's here on earth or in Heaven, I will understand just what He has been up to...how He has used the very things I spent most of my time questioning for His purposes. I LOVE that He is in the business of orchestrating my life for His glory and that I am called to love and serve and enjoy the ride.
Lord, thank you for Lucy. Thank you for using ALL that you allow for our benefit and Your glory! Thank you that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and nothing happens by chance! Thank you that You give us what we need when we need it and that You protect us from things we may think we want but that aren't best for us. Thank you that You have given me a heart for kids, that I am able to receive so much joy even from a few hours with a girl named Lucy from Ohio! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
I don't think I have shared this story with many people...but I think there is a reason I met this jewel of a lil girl. So here it goes....
It was August, 17th roughly 7:30am. I was standing in the first of a few lines in the airport in Santiago, teary eyed and numb. This was the day I left my 3 month journey in the DR. I have shared this next nugget of truth with everyone that has asked: I WAS NOT PREPARED TO LEAVE NOR DID I WANT TO GO. (I still feel this way) As I went from checking my luggage, to waiting to enter the automatic doors feeling Jen & John's eyes on me and hearing them jokingly say "don't look back" (I didn't) there were about a million thoughts running through my mind. Ranging from "who can I call to come and get me and how long until the G.O. staff realize that I didn't get on the plane" to "I can't wait to see my friends again" to "I can't believe my 3 months is really over" and on and on the internal dialogue between me and the Lord went. It's still going on by the way and it's been 5 weeks. *sigh*
OK, back to Lucy....As I exited the first line and got rerouted to my second line I spotted her. She was with an older woman, who appeared to be her grandma, and she was carrying a super cute pink backpack, and she just kept making eye contact with me and grinning from ear to ear. She had my heart right then and there. I said "hola" and she proudly responded "hi! you look just like my mom!" That was the first of MANY sentences out of her lil precious mouth. We quickly became best friends!!! She told me all about her visit in the DR, that she was super excited to go back to Ohio, I look exactly like her mom but whiter, allllllll about school, her little sister, and on and on and on. What a doll!!!!
We chatted in the Santiago airport...and wouldn't ya know it, she was on my flight to Miami just a few seats away so she kept checking to see if I was still in my seat all throughout the flight...she waited for me when we got to miami....chatted all the way to baggage claim...even ended up in the same lines for customs....THEN dun dun dun....I told her that I had to go to my gate. She begged me to stay, clung onto my leg, and cried HUGE crocodile tears.
It was if the Lord knew what I needed for my breaking heart and He provided this ray of sunshine named Lucy. I have thought about her many times since August 17th...I have thanked the Lord for her and the joy she brought me when I needed it! I'm sure the Lord had other reasons that I can't even begin to understand, but I do know that He has a purpose in EVERY single thing, that He uses EVERY single thing for our good and His glory, that things don't "just happen" but there is a purpose even if we don't see it or understand it.
I guess you can say that I see this as a trend in my life the past year and a half...things that seemingly don't make sense or things that seem mundane and ordinary but they are indeed being woven into my life for His purposes and His plans and some day whether it's here on earth or in Heaven, I will understand just what He has been up to...how He has used the very things I spent most of my time questioning for His purposes. I LOVE that He is in the business of orchestrating my life for His glory and that I am called to love and serve and enjoy the ride.
Lord, thank you for Lucy. Thank you for using ALL that you allow for our benefit and Your glory! Thank you that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and nothing happens by chance! Thank you that You give us what we need when we need it and that You protect us from things we may think we want but that aren't best for us. Thank you that You have given me a heart for kids, that I am able to receive so much joy even from a few hours with a girl named Lucy from Ohio! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him
I LOVE this picture. A sweet girl named Clare, from KY took this of me the week I was in the Batey's helping out with a medical clinic. I was not aware of the camera...I am so glad she took this photo. It gives me chills actually.From my very first trip to the DR (March '09) up to present day (Sept '10) I can't keep track of all the people that have told me what they see in me in my trips to the DR. Things such as: "You have joy like nothing I have ever seen before", "there is a passion in side of you that comes out in the DR", "the true you is seen in your DR pictures", "the love of Christ pours out of u there", "You have the joy of the Lord in the DR"....and I could go on and on and on.
When comments like this first started I just kinda brushed them off....oh, it's only because I am really white compared to the people there or it's cuz I am sweating. (Both are very true!) But the more and more I have been told that the more I feel like the Lord is telling me to really listen to what they are saying....really try to grasp what they see....to understand that He is using them to speak truth into the parts of my heart that doubt resides in.
I know it may seem silly, but have u ever tried to view yourself how others see you. It's hard. And what I find to be EVEN MORE DIFFICULT is viewing me how Christ sees me. Tis my thorn people! BUT I think the Lord is using these comments (and they are a plenty!) to show me how He views me....that when I am most satisfied in Him the more glory He receives...if I light up by serving in the DR and loving the people there, it's Him they are seeing not me. When I have joy, it's Christ in me being revealed!!! Now that is some truth I wanna take to heart!
When I look at the picture above, I get a tingling feeling all over....I remember that day, I remember those kiddos, I remember the silent prayers I prayed over their lil lives, I remember how my heart skipped walking in the Batey's, I remember feeling the joy of the Lord flowing through me, It makes me long for Him....to reveal Him to others...to be and do what He has created me to be and do....it makes me love Him more!
Thank you for all your comments...YOU have been a huge help in me seeing myself as He sees me! Gracias!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
back. numb. food. decision.
I have been back in the states for over 3 weeks now. Sure doesn't seem like that is possible. I am having an interesting time of transitioning back to "normal". There have moments where I have hated being in America, or when I am numb to just about every feeling/emotion, and even moments of joy. (ok, to be honest most of the joy has been when I have remembered something that happened when I was in the DR and I jump at the chance to share it with someone, anyone who is within hearing distance and breathing.)
It's hard to put into words just what spending 3 months in the Dominican has done to me, my life, my heart, my future. Even now being back for a Hott Minute, it's still pretty difficult to articulate anything about my experience. This is a very new thing for me to experience. I would describe it as a weird numbness...i dunno. maybe, hopefully one day soon I will get out of the fog I am residing in to allow others to know what my time was like in a way that a human can understand. (me shaking my head and mumbling doesn't quite give an accurate picture of the state of my heart!)
I wanted to share something pretty sweet that happened while I was away. though. so. here. i. go.
You all know how my struggle with food has been ALL my life...and I mean like even when I was in the womb ALL. It's like the idea of food, the ability to "control" what I eat and don't eat has loomed over me like a rain cloud over Eeyore...you know, like when He can't get away from it, he doesn't have a home to hide in, and his tail is missing. That's kinda how I have felt ALL my life. While in the DR I was not controlled by food. Heck, I didn't even really think much about it. I ate what I was given, ate only until I was satisified, didn't snack much at all, and ate plenty of fruits and veggies. (Some may say, oh Amanda...you must have not enjoyed Dominican food and that's why you lost so much weight...on the contrary my friends! The cooks are FANTASTIC and put most everbody I know to shame. They gots skillz yo!)
IT WAS AMAZING! (not just the food but the freedom I experienced)
It was a sweet surprise from the Lord...spending 13 weeks out from under the bondage of this nasty thing...oh the freedom! An encouraging verse that I came across during one of my last weeks in the DR was this: "Do not destoy the work of God for the sake of food" - Romans 14:20 Oh the nuggests of truth, the amount of applicable things to take from such a simply stated verse. No amount of any sugary goodness can compete with the work of God!!!!!! I have said before (this was actually something the Lord taught me on my first trip to the DR) that I can't do what He is asking me to do if I am at an unhealthy weight....right now I am hindering the work of God because I have given into the "cravings" of my sinful nature....and these happen to be food cravings. (get it...cravings....oh i crack myself up!)
In all seriousness though....just think about the implications of that verse...there are sooooooo many ways you can apply it....I would love to know your thoughts about what you believe that verse is saying to you, so by all means, please share!
ANYWAY....I could type for days about what I have seen the Lord do in my heart in this area so I think I will apare you and stop for now.
On a more intense note: I decided to wait to make a decision about my future....go back to the DR fulltime or stay in the states, in 6-8 weeks after my return. I want to be sure that I am hearing from Him and not making an emotional decision. (me emotional? ha! All of you that know me know that it is wise for me to wait, so I am) I am praying, reading His Word, reflecting on my experience, and seeking wise counsel. No matter where He leads me I know that I know that I know He is right there with me, ready to love me, challenge me, stretch me, mold me, and provide for me in the place He is leading me to. What an amazing thing to know that, to believe in it, and to trust in it!
It's hard to put into words just what spending 3 months in the Dominican has done to me, my life, my heart, my future. Even now being back for a Hott Minute, it's still pretty difficult to articulate anything about my experience. This is a very new thing for me to experience. I would describe it as a weird numbness...i dunno. maybe, hopefully one day soon I will get out of the fog I am residing in to allow others to know what my time was like in a way that a human can understand. (me shaking my head and mumbling doesn't quite give an accurate picture of the state of my heart!)
I wanted to share something pretty sweet that happened while I was away. though. so. here. i. go.
You all know how my struggle with food has been ALL my life...and I mean like even when I was in the womb ALL. It's like the idea of food, the ability to "control" what I eat and don't eat has loomed over me like a rain cloud over Eeyore...you know, like when He can't get away from it, he doesn't have a home to hide in, and his tail is missing. That's kinda how I have felt ALL my life. While in the DR I was not controlled by food. Heck, I didn't even really think much about it. I ate what I was given, ate only until I was satisified, didn't snack much at all, and ate plenty of fruits and veggies. (Some may say, oh Amanda...you must have not enjoyed Dominican food and that's why you lost so much weight...on the contrary my friends! The cooks are FANTASTIC and put most everbody I know to shame. They gots skillz yo!)
IT WAS AMAZING! (not just the food but the freedom I experienced)
It was a sweet surprise from the Lord...spending 13 weeks out from under the bondage of this nasty thing...oh the freedom! An encouraging verse that I came across during one of my last weeks in the DR was this: "Do not destoy the work of God for the sake of food" - Romans 14:20 Oh the nuggests of truth, the amount of applicable things to take from such a simply stated verse. No amount of any sugary goodness can compete with the work of God!!!!!! I have said before (this was actually something the Lord taught me on my first trip to the DR) that I can't do what He is asking me to do if I am at an unhealthy weight....right now I am hindering the work of God because I have given into the "cravings" of my sinful nature....and these happen to be food cravings. (get it...cravings....oh i crack myself up!)
In all seriousness though....just think about the implications of that verse...there are sooooooo many ways you can apply it....I would love to know your thoughts about what you believe that verse is saying to you, so by all means, please share!
ANYWAY....I could type for days about what I have seen the Lord do in my heart in this area so I think I will apare you and stop for now.
On a more intense note: I decided to wait to make a decision about my future....go back to the DR fulltime or stay in the states, in 6-8 weeks after my return. I want to be sure that I am hearing from Him and not making an emotional decision. (me emotional? ha! All of you that know me know that it is wise for me to wait, so I am) I am praying, reading His Word, reflecting on my experience, and seeking wise counsel. No matter where He leads me I know that I know that I know He is right there with me, ready to love me, challenge me, stretch me, mold me, and provide for me in the place He is leading me to. What an amazing thing to know that, to believe in it, and to trust in it!
Friday, August 20, 2010
"home"
*warning*
This is me "verbally" processing so I may think differently tomorrow...don't judge, k?
I don't want to be here.
I need to be here because this is where He has me right now.
I don't care about wordly things...it makes me angry when others do.
I want soooo desperately to live my life with purpose...intentionality...I want every moment to count for eternity...I don't want to settle for mediocrcy...I don't want to take the easy route...I want to take leaps of faith for Him...I want my life to matter.
I want my life here in the states to somehow morph into life in the DR and not have a divided heart.
I would give ANYTHING to be back in the DR right now.
I don't want to be numb...I want to FEEL something, anything.
I want to feel alive...I want to shine for Him...I want to be who He longs for me to be, who He is transforming me into...I want to live for Him and Him alone.
I want to long for Him.
I want to be content in the very place He is asking me to be...to be doing His work as He leads me...to be abiding in Him...to be remaining in Him...to be loving and serving others...to be on my knees at the very mention of His name...
I want to know what He has for me...I want answers...I don't want to wait patiently...
I told you this was me "verbally" processing... *sigh*
This is me "verbally" processing so I may think differently tomorrow...don't judge, k?
I don't want to be here.
I need to be here because this is where He has me right now.
I don't care about wordly things...it makes me angry when others do.
I want soooo desperately to live my life with purpose...intentionality...I want every moment to count for eternity...I don't want to settle for mediocrcy...I don't want to take the easy route...I want to take leaps of faith for Him...I want my life to matter.
I want my life here in the states to somehow morph into life in the DR and not have a divided heart.
I would give ANYTHING to be back in the DR right now.
I don't want to be numb...I want to FEEL something, anything.
I want to feel alive...I want to shine for Him...I want to be who He longs for me to be, who He is transforming me into...I want to live for Him and Him alone.
I want to long for Him.
I want to be content in the very place He is asking me to be...to be doing His work as He leads me...to be abiding in Him...to be remaining in Him...to be loving and serving others...to be on my knees at the very mention of His name...
I want to know what He has for me...I want answers...I don't want to wait patiently...
I told you this was me "verbally" processing... *sigh*
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
back...
Thanks for all the prayers for safety as I traveled back to the states. I arrived on time with no glitches with flights so that was good. My dear, sweet friend Jeanette picked me up (it's a lil tradition for her to be the first one to see me once I have returned back to the states from overseas). After an enjoyable dinner with her and car ride home, we stopped off to visit her wonderful hubby and our great friend, Ditty.
It was super great seeing familiar faces, ones that have become my family here in WV...my heart is conflicted though. I long to be with my new family in the DR too...please continue to pray for me as i adjust to being back in the states, to this culture, pace of life, etc etc. I can see that it is going to be really tough.
More to come...
It was super great seeing familiar faces, ones that have become my family here in WV...my heart is conflicted though. I long to be with my new family in the DR too...please continue to pray for me as i adjust to being back in the states, to this culture, pace of life, etc etc. I can see that it is going to be really tough.
More to come...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Updated DR Pics
A few weeks ago, some friends from Crossroads came down on a week long trip and I joined up with them for another trip to the Batey's to continue the work being done on the Nutrition Center in Batey Cuchillo. Here are some pics from that trip. Enjoy!
Every shovel full of dirt is one step closer to kids being fed.
How refreshing to see old friends in the DR.
New friend, Poton, who I will miss dearly.
My friend Franci - u will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart!
The WALLLLLL of the Nutrition Center....yesssss, there are finally walls!!!
Every shovel full of dirt is one step closer to kids being fed. 
How refreshing to see old friends in the DR. 
New friend, Poton, who I will miss dearly.
My friend Franci - u will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart!
The WALLLLLL of the Nutrition Center....yesssss, there are finally walls!!! Thanks everyone who gave, prayed, and came.
stunning
precious
my friend Roberto. We shared many smiles and laughs!
Clara is a kindred spirit!
Yolanda - what a beautiful, godly woman.
Me and Pastor Francisco's kiddos. This was right before Franci clung onto my leg and started crying because he didn't want to say goodbye to me. About broke my heart....
Me and some of the fun gals!!!!!
stunning
precious
my friend Roberto. We shared many smiles and laughs!
Clara is a kindred spirit!
Yolanda - what a beautiful, godly woman.
Me and Pastor Francisco's kiddos. This was right before Franci clung onto my leg and started crying because he didn't want to say goodbye to me. About broke my heart....
Me and some of the fun gals!!!!!Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Finishing Strong
I am having a difficult time understanding exactly what this means for me. I have one more week here in the DR and currently I am bed sick, again, and am unsure what my last week will look like. I thought that finishing strong meant staying strong, working hard, and pushing the most u can push until the end...like in a race...sprinting the last mile. However what I have come to realize that ministry isn't like running a race all the time.
Sometime finishing strong does mean working your tail off until the end, but I think for me this week, finishing strong looks like the following:
*resting when I am told to rest.
*encouraging those around me to continue serving and loving they way they are called to.
*spending quality time in His Word.
*journaling about what He is revealing to me and teaching me.
*prayerfully joining the team that is coming in and coming alongside them in the journey the Lord has called them on while they are serving here in the DR for 1 week.
*laughing and connecting with the Nationals that I have come to know and love.
*thanking the staff for all the encouragement and support that have given me the past 3 months.
So what if I don't pick up another shovel or fill another water jug...yes those things have been daily tasks that I have loved to do, but maybe the Lord has other plans for me for my last 7 days here. I think I have learned this summer that He is in every single detail, every seemingly mundane task. He is the orchestrator of our time here on earth, so I don't want to sit and be sad because I am not able to leave my bed right now, I want to see Him in the midst of it all. I don't want to miss out on all that He has to show me and all the ways He desires to use me.
One thing I will challenge you with is this: look for Him in everything. Have the eyes and heart to see Him working in the midst of silence, in the midst of chaos, in the midst of frustration, in the midst of tragedy. He is at work all the time!
Sometime finishing strong does mean working your tail off until the end, but I think for me this week, finishing strong looks like the following:
*resting when I am told to rest.
*encouraging those around me to continue serving and loving they way they are called to.
*spending quality time in His Word.
*journaling about what He is revealing to me and teaching me.
*prayerfully joining the team that is coming in and coming alongside them in the journey the Lord has called them on while they are serving here in the DR for 1 week.
*laughing and connecting with the Nationals that I have come to know and love.
*thanking the staff for all the encouragement and support that have given me the past 3 months.
So what if I don't pick up another shovel or fill another water jug...yes those things have been daily tasks that I have loved to do, but maybe the Lord has other plans for me for my last 7 days here. I think I have learned this summer that He is in every single detail, every seemingly mundane task. He is the orchestrator of our time here on earth, so I don't want to sit and be sad because I am not able to leave my bed right now, I want to see Him in the midst of it all. I don't want to miss out on all that He has to show me and all the ways He desires to use me.
One thing I will challenge you with is this: look for Him in everything. Have the eyes and heart to see Him working in the midst of silence, in the midst of chaos, in the midst of frustration, in the midst of tragedy. He is at work all the time!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Time, where have you gone?
It is 11:20 am on Tuesday, July 20th and this means one thing. I only have 4 more weeks left here in the DR. This place has become home. The people have become family. The staff have become kindred spirits. The culture has gently nudged it's way in my heart permanently. I have a feeling that this means I should get some Kleenex's pronto!
It was a lil over a year ago when I began to serisously consider coming here on the internship, followed by many months of not being sure, to jumping on a plane just 2 short months ago, to now only having 4 weeks left. I was reminded the other day of just how faithful the Lord has been in EVERYTHING leading me up to this day. From showing me how faithful He is in the little things and the BIG things to providing in ways that still make my jaw drop to the floor!
No matter the end result of my time here, I know that this journey was for a purpose. That He will use the things that I have learned here to continue to shape and mold me into who He desires me to be and will use my time here and the relationships that I have built for His purposes and His glory. I consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to be a small part of His HUGE plan.
It was a lil over a year ago when I began to serisously consider coming here on the internship, followed by many months of not being sure, to jumping on a plane just 2 short months ago, to now only having 4 weeks left. I was reminded the other day of just how faithful the Lord has been in EVERYTHING leading me up to this day. From showing me how faithful He is in the little things and the BIG things to providing in ways that still make my jaw drop to the floor!
No matter the end result of my time here, I know that this journey was for a purpose. That He will use the things that I have learned here to continue to shape and mold me into who He desires me to be and will use my time here and the relationships that I have built for His purposes and His glory. I consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to be a small part of His HUGE plan.
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