Thank You Tenth Avenue North

'Times'

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
and I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You
All that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
or can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending
What I've become
What have I become?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (x4)

I hear You say My love is over,
It's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend"

Well My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between,
These times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm

it's not all bad ;)

I realized after reading the blog I just posted that it appeared that i have been having a horrible few months.  not true....they have been hard, but not horrible.  Here are some fun things that have been happening in this crazy, silly, single gal's life:

-spending time with wonderful friends
-conversations over yummy panera beverages
-planning the AMAZING road trip that will be taking place in 2 short months with the crazy friends that are moving me.  I am soooo blessed to have them in my life.  It's not everyday you meet people that are willing to drive a uhaul for me or join me in my car for a 23 hour car ride.  It's gonna be a fun road trip for me and the three j's!!!!!!  (Jason, Jeanette, & Jessica)  Are you sure you all wanna do this?!?!?!?  it's not too late to back out!  ;)
-learning how to knit.  yep....i have made some rockin dish cloths.  don't be jealous.  ;)
-listening to a Beth Moore sermon series that is rockin my face off.  She may be a tad too "southern bell" for me at times, but man does she know the Word!

Welp, it's not much, but I would say that I am truly blessed!!!  Starting over is looking good but it's bittersweet at the same time.  :)

Oh and this video is HILARIOUS....makes me laugh out loud EVERY time I watch it.  Enjoy!!

2 months & ickiness

Whoa.  So this whole moving thing is like really happening.  Like really really happening.  I have been busy packing and labeling like the organized dork I am.  Color coding things should be a spiritual gift :)  I still have no news on the job front or the house front, but I am trusting the Lord to provide for the following things:

-a job where I can be a light for Him
-a job where i can continue paying off my grown-up debt (stupid car & education)  ;)
-a house near my sister's neightborhood that has the following:  rent for a max of $1,000.  storage (mainly cuz i have a lot of Christmas decorations that i can't part ways with just yet).  a porch.  a driveway would be nice.  and that is surrounded by wonderful neighbors that I can love.  and one that we can move into on April 29.

I don't think it's much to ask for, but I am trusting that the Lord will provide for Jill and I's every need.  He knows the house He has for us, and I will just keep praying and trusting.  Even in the midst of ALL the unanswered questions He is continually giving me moments of peace!  My emotions get a lil outta whack every now and again, but mostly I am trusting Him with all the questions and unknowns.

So these past few months have been really hard for me.  I have been dealing with some sin and anger.  I feel icky just thinking about it.  I just realize how my sin affects those around me....how hurtful I can be even when it's not my intention and especially when it is my intention.  (see, ickiness)  :(  I don't know what has been happening in my heart, but it's like I have lost focus on what matters.  I have gotten sucked into worldy views all the while knowing that I don't agree, but not being bold enough to stand up for truth.  To be honest I am surprised by that....I thought I was stronger than that, wiser than that, for lack of a better word, better than that.

It's been a HUGE wake up call for me....even in my silence because I have not stood up for truth when I should have, I have hurt people around me.   I let myself down and I have not glorified the Lord.  I think after realizing this, being smacked in the face with conviction, I have tried to "make things right" with those that I have hurt.  I have confessed confessed and confessed and apologized apologized and apologized.  What saddens me the most is that people don't understand me now that I am not being silent anymore, now that I am makine decisions that do bring the Lord glory, now that I am standing up for truth.  The reaction that I have received for the most part appear to me more judgement than understanding.  See ickiness.  My sin sucks and it hurts those around me and then it makes me sad that I have the power to cause others pain.  I have often said that I am ok with being hurt....I will get over it, I always have and will, but to know that I caused hurt for other people, well that is something I can't deal with.  It's too painful.  I hate that I have the ability to hurt people.

The Lord has been lavishing me with love and grace these past several weeks....once the conviction smack occurred and my actions changed.  :)  He is healing hurt that occurred and disciplining me so that the sin is not a repeat event....that I am being transformed as a result of His work in me through the junk.  Refiners Fire.  My hearts one desire.  Is to be holy.  Set apart for you, Lord.  I choose to be holy.