Once, Loser, The Momzzzz

hey...just finished watching a wonderful movie....Once....definitely check it out. I read about it in a magazine, added it to my que and waaalaaaa. Such a beautiful story, amazing music, and the lead actor is charming, handsome, and endearing. Just watch it...

Soooo my friend Ginny and I decided to join a contest! I know...how fun are we?!?!? Basically we created a website that tracks our journey of losing weight and getting healthy. It's part of a contest with the tv show The Biggest Loser. Whoever creatively documents their journey wins a all expense paid trip to LA to be at the live taping of the finale of The Biggest Loser. There will be 5 finalists picked for that and then the winners out of the 5 finalists will get a personal trainer for a year!!! I REALLY WANNA WIN!!! I mean, the odds are definitely against us, but we are doing our best to be creative. I think we are doing a pretty good job so far...yay Gin!!!

What's really neat about this whole thing is that is has been such a motivating way to get on track to living a healthy lifestyle. Even though it seems silly to think we could have a shot at winning, it has gotten me focused on losing weight and getting healthy. I really hate who I am in this "fat girl" suit...it's not really me...i am so much more than a fat girl but I fear that most people don't get the chance to see that I am way more than that. Partly because they don't give me a chance and partly because I am ashamed of myself and turn into the fat girl. I hide behind my weight...done it all my life and have gotten pretty good at it. BUT it does keep me from being and doing a lot of things. The person inside I feel is just bursting to come out...it just needs the fat to go away before it can. Not sure if any of that makes sense, but that is how I feel and have felt for such a long time.

Strangely enough, this whole contest and trying to lose weight thing has got me thinking about my mom a lot. My weight was always an issue with my mom...I fear that was why she had a hard time loving me. (well atleast part of the reason anyhow.) I felt like she was always trying to scheme to get me to lose weight...I would often eat more inspite of her tactics...yeah, what a great daughter I was! But sometimes I think I still do that even if she isn't here to see what I look like. I have gotten so comfortable being uncomfortable that it's very scary to think about changing. Part of me wishes that my mom was hear to see me try to lose weight, part of me is glad she's not just in case I fail again.

It's weird to think about her....thoughts come and go throughout the day...I'll see a car, I smell a certain smell, I'll see her picture on my wall, I say something like her, weird! I watched a movie the other day called "in the land of women" and part of the plot is the mom has breast cancer and has a daughter that hates her. There's a part in the movie where the mom gets really sick and is the hospital and challenges her daughter to explain to her why she hates her. then after they talk through the reasons, the daughter says "i don't want to miss the part where I get to know you." She says this while thinking that the mom isn't gonna make it....I have used that exact wording since my mom died....i lost a mom, but i also feel like i lost someone i didn't even know. I don't know my moms favorite food, or how she met my dad, or what she was like in college, or what her favorite christmas memory was....i have indeed missed out on knowing my mother like most daughters. The years that we could have spent getting to know one another we fought. Oh to take those years back....

Sometimes in the midst of my brain headed in these thought processes it's really hard for me to see the Lord clearly. Like why did he take her when He did...why couldn't we have had one more year together, why did our relationship have to be so hard the majority of her life, why do i feel like i am her only child that didn't know her, and what does the Lord want to show me about Himself through all of this. I know in my heart that what happened was for His glory, my good...I have to believe that by faith even if I can't begin to understand it. I have to believe that what I will learn through the years I feel I missed out on will make me a better mother....will make me a better person....will make me more like Him....

Goodness....I just kinda let my hear pour out....questions: who has seen the movie? what did ya think? losing weight....we need some creative ideas on how to document our progress?? let us know. Oh gin...I plan on taping myself giving a top ten list (some funny items, some serious) of why i am losing weight...it involves props, cue cards, etc. like on letterman!!! i have it written down, just need to make the video!! I AM SAYING THAT ONE REASON I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT IS SO I CAN WEAR AN ALL SPANDEX WARDROBE...SPANDEX! ALL SPANDEX!!! cracks me up EVERYTIME i think about it!!! Last question: ever had a situation in your life where u can't make heads or tails of it but u just trust by faith???

New Years Resolution(s)

Well I am proud to say that I kept up my New Years Resolution from 2007....it was to do something new that I have never done before each month...let's list some of the highlights from the past year, shall we? why yes, we shall:

*got my nose pierced
*flew for the first time by myself
*traveled to a few places for the first time (Atlanta, Chicago...)
*went to dinner by myself (was scary, but i like it...i know, i know...i'm a big chicken! cluck cluck...i am what i am, what can i say!)
*learned how to play tennis
*planned a trip to Africa...I'm going in the end of April!!! Waaawhoooo!!!!

In celebration of me keeping a resolution I think I will make more than one for the year 2008! SO here it goes...after some prayer and thought...

*live a healthy life style (cut back on the beer and wings!....jk, jk!!)

*read my books that are on my bookshelf so when someone picks it out and asks "is this good?" I can respond with something other than "ummmm, i hear it's good...haven't read it yet!"

*continue doing new things...life keeps on moving and I need to keep up with it!

*to daily surrender my desire to be a wife and a mom. (I desire it sooo much that I tend to cling onto the desire instead of giving it up to the Lord.....this one is gonna be a toughy....but I'm up for the challenge! Plus, ummm I'm prettty sure that the Lord desires for me to lay it down at His feet.)

*to randomly encourage people atleast 2 times a month (i used to do this sooo much and have gotten lazy...i love making cards, sending scripture to people, gifts, etc....just think, those who are reading this may get a lil somethin' somethin'....we shall see!)

So that's it....I'm excited for a new year, excited to see God in every area of my life, lessons to learn, prayers to be answered, to see more and more of Jesus everyday! Welcome 2008!!!!
Sooooo....any of u have a resolution u care to share??? maybe responding to all of my ramblings could be one?? i do love me some blog comments!!! come on u know u wanna!!!!

Currently listening : Albertine By Brooke Fraser Release date: 09 April, 2007