Proud Aunt Manda

On a lighter note I just have to brag on this lil guy so more. He just turned two last week...he's a lil man! He's into basketball (taking after his aunt manda & momma) Dr. Suess books, and riding a bike. like a for real bike! he's only TWO! Even though he is far away I consider it a blessing and priviledge to be his Aunt Manda.

Plan B - Part Two

"So what do you do with a shattered dream? What do you do with an unmet expectation? What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you thought life was going to turn out? What do you do when you have to turn to plan B?"

I'll tell you what I have been doing.....

As a young and hopefully hip 31 1/2 year old my life isn't what I thought it would be. I never dreamed that I would still be single. In my mind by my mid twenties I was part of the statistics. the husband. the 2.5 kids. the minivan. the white picket fence. white shudders on 2 story home. i was living life with the man the Lord had created just for me. i even had numerous people in my life say it is just a matter of time...my prince is coming...you can believe the Lord for all those things...keep praying...be patient...put yourself out there...don't settle for something less than God's best for you.

So yeah...turns out I am a statistic all right. just so happens it's in the wrong category.

didn't. see. THAT. coming.

for all of you still wondering what I have chosen to do, well the wondering can stop. i have stewed in my anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, helplessness, and haven't been able to stop thinking about why me Lord, why me? I gave up. I quit fighting the good fight. Now don't get me wrong....there have been highs and lows along the way, but i definitely wouldn't get a medal or ribbon for my response to living Plan B. I have seen pockets of insight, hope, joy, and patience but overall my response has been less than pleasing to the Lord.

You know what I am coming to realize:

*all those positive things people kept telling me - yeah, so i'm not quite sure that they should have said all those things. they know the Lord's plan just as much as I do and basically that means they know nothing. Telling me to keep hoping I don't think is the right thing to say...dare I say I don't think it's the biblical thing to say. My hope...my trust...my faith needs to be in Him not in the chance of my circumstances changing. Those things, granted are nice and encouraging to hear, are not necessarily an accurate picture of what God's desire is for me. What if my prince doesn't ever come? What if he isn't just around the corner? Be patient for something that He may never choose to bless me with? BUT instead, hold fast onto Him...the author and perfector of our faith...the One who has all of my days ordained....the One who knit me together in my mothers womb...the One who says that I fearfully and wonderfully made...yes, those things I need to hold onto with everything that is in me.

Please don't hear me say that I am Debbie Downer....whawhawhawha....I am just thinking that we don't know what the Lord has for any of us and we shouldn't be in the business of making promises to people that may never get fulfilled. We shouldn't pretend to know what His plans are. And TRUST ME when I say that I have said all of those things to other gals. Plenty o' times. because in my heart of hearts I want those things for them. I want them to have their desires met in the way they want them because I want to be joyful alongside them. What I think we all fail to realize is that His best is what will give us Ultimate Joy and that we should spur each other on to know Him, to love Him, to abide in Him, not to hope for things He can give us. (Preaching to myself as I stand on this soapbox!!!!!)

whew....Part 2 has been a lil intense...

i'm tired.

i'll leave you with this: "constant contact with the Creator is essential for transformation living. If you want faith enough to live the life God's called you to live, time with God is simply a must. And that applies double when you're facing a Plan B situation." Thanks Pete Wilson for spelling out such simple truth in a very practial, matter-of-fact way.

More to come...Part 3 is on the horizon. (by the way, i have NO IDEA how many parts there are. ha!)

Plan B - Part One

Picture it....it was the summer of 1997...I was on the brink of becoming a college freshman, packing up to go to IUP. a fresh start. a new beginning. the first day of the rest of my life. exciting yes, no?!?!?! I had all these amazing ideas. i was gonna meet a lot of fun people and hopefully not only get a bachelors degree but also my mrs. yes, that's right.....my MRS! Cuz that's what happens to people in college, they meet their soul mates. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it was May 2001...I was on the brink of becoming a college graduate, packing up to head to Colorado for the summer. joining staff with Crusade. a fresh start. a new beginning. the first day of the rest of my life, after college. Again, had all these amazing ideas. meet new people, AND meet my missionary husband. Cuz that's what happens to people in ministry, they meet their match. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it was May 2005...I was on the brink of leaving staff, saying my goodbyes, ready to start working in church ministry. a fresh start. blah blah blah. Amazing ideas....blah bah blah....and this is when I was gonna meet mr right. That is where people meet the person they are meant to be with. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it is February 15, 2011....I am no longer working in full time ministry, figuring out the next step the Lord has for me, working in WV. and blah blah blah.....

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It's interesting looking back at my life so far....such hope in every new beginning. Such anticipation of what the Lord had in store for my future. Willingly hoping. Praying for Plan A...trusting for longings to be fulfilled...faith for the seemingly impossible...obedience to His plan...saying no when I needed to say no....choosing His best....turning down a possible marriage knowing it was His desire for me to turn it down....all the while thinking that because I had listened...tried to do right...took steps of faith....that He was gonna somehow magically answer my prayers. That somehow I deserved for Him to give me my plan A.

Well folks, God is not our geenie...He isn't our vending machine of blessings...He isn't manipulated by our obedience...HIS PLANS are already ordained for me...His plan is what will succeed even when up against our greatest abilities of manipulation and bargaining. Trust me....i have bargained with the best of them.

I haven't been a girl that I am proud to be when it comes to accepting Plan A just isn't in the cards for me. I have not be joyful in the midst of trials, I have not been thankful in the midst of withholdings, and I certainly haven't been thankful in the midst of His protection. That is incredibly sad....

Started reading a really great book this past weekend:

Excited about what I am learning......Plan B Part TWO coming tomorrow.....

It's my party and I'll cry if i want to...

so yeah, pity party 2011 went off with a bang....there were tears, angry words, more tears...did i mention the tears...sadly there were no guests, this my friends was a party for one. no decorations, no music. just tears. if i am really really honest, i would say that this party started in the fall of 2010 and has kept going and going and going....

u know, i don't wanna be THAT girl. I wanna be the girl who strives for righteousness, who willingly accepts Plan B, who graciously accepts wounds, who quickly recovers when her world is turned upside down, who doesn't keep the Kleenex company in business, who looks to her Father for comfort, understanding, grace, mercy, love, and patience.

friends, I have NOT been THAT girl. I have been the girl who has sat in her anger and frustration and let the evil one rob me of my joy. It's like he stole all my sparkle....well ok, i kinda gave it to him. I have been the girl who tosses blame, who turns her back on her Creator, who points the finger, and asks WHY me?

I can't say that the party is over, however I can say that I acknowledge that the party has gone on WAY too long, and that it's not a party I wanna host anymore. I CAN say that I don't wanna be the guest of honor anymore. I want my party to be all about Him.

Pray that I let Him change the party theme!