Whoa. So this whole moving thing is like really happening. Like really really happening. I have been busy packing and labeling like the organized dork I am. Color coding things should be a spiritual gift :) I still have no news on the job front or the house front, but I am trusting the Lord to provide for the following things:
-a job where I can be a light for Him
-a job where i can continue paying off my grown-up debt (stupid car & education) ;)
-a house near my sister's neightborhood that has the following: rent for a max of $1,000. storage (mainly cuz i have a lot of Christmas decorations that i can't part ways with just yet). a porch. a driveway would be nice. and that is surrounded by wonderful neighbors that I can love. and one that we can move into on April 29.
I don't think it's much to ask for, but I am trusting that the Lord will provide for Jill and I's every need. He knows the house He has for us, and I will just keep praying and trusting. Even in the midst of ALL the unanswered questions He is continually giving me moments of peace! My emotions get a lil outta whack every now and again, but mostly I am trusting Him with all the questions and unknowns.
So these past few months have been really hard for me. I have been dealing with some sin and anger. I feel icky just thinking about it. I just realize how my sin affects those around me....how hurtful I can be even when it's not my intention and especially when it is my intention. (see, ickiness) :( I don't know what has been happening in my heart, but it's like I have lost focus on what matters. I have gotten sucked into worldy views all the while knowing that I don't agree, but not being bold enough to stand up for truth. To be honest I am surprised by that....I thought I was stronger than that, wiser than that, for lack of a better word, better than that.
It's been a HUGE wake up call for me....even in my silence because I have not stood up for truth when I should have, I have hurt people around me. I let myself down and I have not glorified the Lord. I think after realizing this, being smacked in the face with conviction, I have tried to "make things right" with those that I have hurt. I have confessed confessed and confessed and apologized apologized and apologized. What saddens me the most is that people don't understand me now that I am not being silent anymore, now that I am makine decisions that do bring the Lord glory, now that I am standing up for truth. The reaction that I have received for the most part appear to me more judgement than understanding. See ickiness. My sin sucks and it hurts those around me and then it makes me sad that I have the power to cause others pain. I have often said that I am ok with being hurt....I will get over it, I always have and will, but to know that I caused hurt for other people, well that is something I can't deal with. It's too painful. I hate that I have the ability to hurt people.
The Lord has been lavishing me with love and grace these past several weeks....once the conviction smack occurred and my actions changed. :) He is healing hurt that occurred and disciplining me so that the sin is not a repeat event....that I am being transformed as a result of His work in me through the junk. Refiners Fire. My hearts one desire. Is to be holy. Set apart for you, Lord. I choose to be holy.
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