Dominican Republic

Wow...sooo I have had lots of requests for a new note/blog since returning from the DR...ya'll that makes me feel soooo special! But I think you are just being nice cuz you know that there was one coming whether you requested it or not! ha! hey, it's who God made me to be...I can't keep inside what He is teaching me, showing me, etc. sooo, here weeeeeeeee go.... (remember that a lot of you asked for it.)

Many of you have wondered how this trip compared to my trip to Ghana. Well, to be honest, it's kinda hard to compare the two. I feel like the experiences are completely different. My trip to Ghana will always be EXTREMELY special to me...it was the first time I had been overseas, I went alone (HUGE leap of faith for me), and it was the first time I got a real sense of God's heart for the world. My trip to the DR was a lot less scary for me travel wise, I went with a team of AMAZING people from my church (Crossroads peeps ROCK!!!), and this trip increased my heart for the world even more than I expected.

The trip started off great because I met three super fun girls on the plane who were from the DR but studying in Miami. (Sarah, Scarlet, & Laura) You gals were SUPER FUN and soooo helpful. Thanks for telling me more about the DR and for all the laughs! AND Thanks for speaking in English (some of the time) so that I could understand you! ha! When our team got off the plane we were met by two fantastic GO Ministries missionaries (John & Eric)! Seriously you guys were INCREDIBLE!!! Throughout the whole week they translated, took pics, shared their faith, encouraged us to be stretched in our spanish speaking ability (or lack there of), cheered us on at the construction site, worked at the construction site, talked about the DR and what things they have experienced, etc etc. I don't think there was anything that they didn't do! They seriously have the coooooolest "job" ever.... Lovin' the Lord and Lovin' people! Doesn't get any better than that!

Throughout the week we spent time lovin' on kids, worshipping with believers in 5 languages (crazy cool!), met and interacted with pastor Francisco and his family (as a church we are supporting him and committed to coming alongside his ministry in many ways), and began building a feeding center that will some day soon provide a meal for children 6 days a week. We also as a group got to know one another better and became a lil family (I LOVED getting to know all of you better and LOVED serving alongside of you too!!!)

I know this note/blog is kinda broad, but I am still overwhelmed at what I experienced on this trip. I have experienced anger, frustration, joy, thankfulness, confusion, love, peace, etc in my heart since the minute I stepped off that plane in the DR. It's been hard for me to "put my finger on" one thing that sticks out to me because it seems like everything we did hit me like a ton of bricks. I say that to warn you that there will be more notes/blogs to come as I continue to allow the Lord to work in my heart regarding this trip.

Here’s one specific moment on the trip that I will never forget. We went to a feeding center one day for lunch to help feed kids. (this would most likely be the only meal these kids would get that day.) It started off with us singing songs with the kids because the food wasn’t ready. It was a joy to see all their little faces, knowing that there were about to get a meal. (COME ON…..when do we EVER wonder if we are going to have a meal. The biggest concern we have is WHERE are we gonna go to get the meal – makes me sick!) Then the reality hit me….these kids get one meal a day IF there is enough food. I began looking at their faces in a new way…my heart was not filled with joy but rather with a deep sadness. We (the Americans) formed a line so that we could take plates of food to the kids….one problem, toooo many kids, not enough food. My heart just sunk…There was supposed to be enough food to feed about 50 kids, there were close to 90 in the room just waiting to see if they would get fed. As we started taking plates of food and passing them out, they separated the kids in 3 groups: kids sitting around the table, kids sitting on the back table, and then kids sitting along the wall. We were told to feed the kids sitting around the table first. DO YOU GET THAT….We had to walk to those kids first meanwhile that meant we had to pass others up.

I don’t know if you are getting a clear picture of this or not, but to say that it broke my heart is not saying enough of what it did to me. On one of my trips, I walked to the back of the room and as I passed a child that was sitting along the wall, he grabbed my pant leg, motioned his arms as if he was asking me for the plate, and motioned that he was hungry. I had to keep walking past him and give that plate of food to another child. That would be the moment that I LOST IT. I just got soooo angry. Angry that there are these wonderful, beautiful, amazing children that don’t know if they will get a meal. Why is this still happening in the world??? It just breaks my heart, it makes me want to go back and make a difference somehow, it makes me fall on my knees in the presence of the Lord, it makes me long for the day when there aren’t children starving, it stirs me to appreciate all that I have been blessed with, it allows me to see that I need to give more, be more, love more, it drives me closer to Him!

You know, I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I can respond to what I have seen. I am still unsure of what the Lord desires me to do, but I do know this, I am praying for those little faces, I am yearning for more of our heavenly Father, I am clinging to promises in His Word about how He will bless the poor, and I can’t wait to return to see those faces again!

You want to know the coolest thing that happened that day?? Do you?? Come on, you know you wanna know….the Lord provided enough food for every single child in that room to get fed! He is soooo incredibly good to provide the way He does. He is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!! It was like a miracle right in front of our faces. INCREDIBLE!

Whew….OK this is like a novel, and friends, it’s just the beginning! YIKES! I promise to only tag you in this one though….

Crossroads peeps – You have such amazing hearts and it was a privilege and a blessing to go on this trip with each and every one of you!

John & Eric – YOU GUYS ROCK! Enough said!

My new DR gal pals Scarlet, Sarah, and Laura – You were such a joy to meet. Be looking for an e-mail from me!!

Everyone else who will bravely read my ramblings – thanks for cheering me on in my desire to go to the world, thanks for lifting this trip up in your prayers, and thanks for being super great friends who I love dearly!!!

"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."John 17:25-26

The Cost

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23

"And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:27

WoW!!!! Those are some SERIOUS words of truth! In fact sooo serious that they scare the living daylights outta me! Do you people know what those verses really mean??? Do I know what those verses really mean???? (I think I see glimpses of what they mean and it is SCARY!!!!!!)

These are things/thoughts/actions etc. that happen in the day in the life of me:
*think about what it would be like to be married
*I eat food that is not healthy for me
*I waste time on facebook
*wish that I was RICH so that I could afford nice things for my house
*Stress over the fact that I don't have curtains in my kitchen or spare bedroom
*feel incomplete becasue I am not a wife and mom
*get jealous at friends who have the hubby and child(ren)
*sleep
*exercise (sometimes)
*Think about exercising! ha!
*watch tv
*work for Chesnut Mountain Ranch
*long for my knight in shining armor to come and rescue me from my singleness
*think fondly of my time in Ghana
*have random memories/thoughts about my mommmz throughout the day
*think of all the people that I know and love
*say no to things that inconvenience me
*get mad at things that in light of eternity are meaningless
*want to give someone the finger for the way that they are driving (I don't actually do this, but some days I get close! jk) I just get REALLY frustrated at stupid drivers!
*I sometimes AM a stupid driver
*listen to music and dance to the beat!
*again, pray for my hubby to find me!
*think about my family
*send a few e-mails
*etc etc etc etc etc

The point I am trying to make is this: I don't take up my cross daily and follow Him. I am way more concerned with whether I am going to get married or not, or whether I communicate to that driver that I am irritated at him just pulling out in front of me, or that I say no to the friend that asked for help because I am too selfish with my schedule and time. I am more concerned about how I feel that what I know is true. I am more concerned about what would make ME happy. I am more concerned about being the person everyone likes. I am more concerned about keeping my mouth shut than giving truth that might offend someone. I am more concerened with being lazy. I am more concerned with how good that doughnut tastes....it's ALL ABOUT ME!!!! Do u get it???? Do I get it????

The verses mentioned above tell us to die to ourselves....we lay everything at His feet and are not tempted to pick it back up before we get caught laying it there....WE MUST DIE in order for HIM TO LIVE!

Oh how I wish that the list above (and things I failed to see or mention) simply said: I deny MYSELF, and take up my cross daily and follow HIM!

-sNiPiTs-

Well folks the past few months have been full of fun, change, joy, growth, & stress... Instead of me typing my typical 300 paragraph long blog I will just give u snipits of my life. r u ready? here weeeeeee goooooooo

~I went to visit my dear friend Jill in Wisconsin over Turkey Day! It had been 2 1/2 years since we had seen each other so it was a much needed visit! It was great meeting her family, seeing where she did ministry back in the day, spending HaPpY hOuR with her at Siggity Sonic!, venturing out to the mall on black friday with her, eating a cheese curd in her parent's kitchen AND living to tell about it, and plenty more fun was had. What a joy it was to be able to spend quality time with one of my favorite people in the world!!!! God is soooo good to have allowed me to meet her almost 8 years ago and she STILL is my friend by His grace! ha!!

~After several months of looking, the Lord provided me with a place to live that is perfect for me and is in my budget (which, let's be honest, is a miracle!!!) I met a neat family who has been soooo kind and generous to me to let me live bedroom house!!!! It has come with a lil stress like no furnace for the first few days I was there, a broken toilet, a clogged sink, and no appliances, BUT it has all worked out and all of those things are either working or have been replaced. It is truly a joy to be on my own again!! Although I do miss my last roomie, who was ridiculously great in letting me crash in her basement for the past 10 months! Georgie you ROCK!!!!!!

~I spent my very first Christmas away from family. Due to the stress and timing of me moving I stayed in WV over Christmas and New Years. I didn't spend the day alone, just so ya know!

~JACOBSON FAMILY VISIT #1,987: After about 3 days of living in my new pad I had some friends come into town and stay for a hott minute! Like always their visit was AWESOME and way TOO short...COME BACK Andy, Gin, & Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!

~Have met some really neat people the past few months too so that is always FUN!!!

~Had a Super Bowl ParTAY in my new house....thanks everyone for coming!! It was FUN!!!! I'll need to post pics if all the crazy people in my living room wearing 3-D glasses only to be disappointed at the lack of 3-D awesomeness. BUT boy did they look silly!!!!

~Some women from Crossroads Church (the BEST church EVER) and I started exercising 3 days a week. We have been doing Turbo Jam which I personally think it is a torture device! It has been such a joy sweating and laughing with the ladies there....

~As always I feel like the Lord meets me in such an intimate way...always lavishing me with grace, love, truth, mercy, & kindness...lots of things to pray about, lots of things that i am challenged by, and lots of things that He continually uses to shape and mold me!!

~Last BUT NOT least, yesterday my BRAND SPANKIN' new nephew came into this world!!!!!!!! (well, I mean he has been a part of it for 9 months, but u get what I'm sayin!) His name is Asher Henry Sorensen, weighing in at 8lbs 6 oz. , measuring 20 inches, with lots of hair, Peter's nose and Reba's Gigantic feet!!!!!!! I can't wait to go to Texas to meet the lil guy!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! This makes me an aunt of 7 lil ones!!! What a joy, what a joy!!!!

A Void that CAN be filled

"Obama supporters now left with a void." was the title of an article I came across online in the past week or so. I just glanced over it but haven't been able to stop thinking about it....

Just so you know this is not a political blog...although I guess I should say that I did not vote for the elected president....but wait...i said this wasn't a political blog...

This title struck my heart in a really weird way and I can't shake it...the more I have thought about the depth of that title it just makes my heart so incredibly sad! That article was way more than a political summary of the state of Americans now that the election is over rather I see it as a sad, but true, summary of the hearts of people in our world who are looking to be filled with things that will inevitably fail them, things that will leave them still looking for more, things that will never satisfy. Whether it is a relationship that has been missing, whether it is the Biggie Size meal at your local fast food joint, a winning season for your favorite sports team, your fastest run EVER, the feeling you get when you watch your favorite television show, the way you feel after reading a great novel, earning one more dollar an hour, etc. These are all things that we fill our lives with in hopes in feeling complete, whole, satisfied. There is an emptiness in all of us that we continually try to feed...

Why is it that we are drawn to temporary things? Why is it that we are so inclined to look in all the wrong places? Why is it that we find ourselves perplexed when we have no joy, no hope, no satisfaction in our lives? I believe that we all have THE ANSWER right in front of our faces and we chose to ignore it. "We fix our eyes on what is seen." rather than "what is unseen".

We have missed it.

*Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35

*Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

*The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

As I think about the Lord, He sent His Son to die for us, each and everyone of us, so that we can look towards Him for satisfaction, fulfillment, for LIFE. See it's that easy, when we surrender our lives to Him, He not only promises us eternal life, but life to the fullest while we are on this crazy earth. No amount of doughnuts will ever take the place of Him who is our ultimate satisfier! Not even Krispy Kreme doughnuts! ha!

I can't sit here and say that I live my life like I know these things to be true. I often look for fulfillment in other things than the Lord. But my heart longs to view Him as my only source of true LIFE and fulfillment. I long to see headlines say "Americans filled to the measure of all the fullness of God". Shoot, not even just Americans but all people groups in every nation.... When will we realize His fullfillment is the ultimate answer?

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

OK....for a verbal processor who LOVES this whole Blogging concept I am ashamed that I have waited this long to blog! ASHAMED!!!! (head hanging very low) *sigh* Like any of you are sighing!! No one read my ramblings anyway...well maybe a few people do. ANYWAY...

Let's get caught up on the wonderfully boring life of me, shall we?? In August, I went home to PA for a week. Ended up being a hard trip, but wonderful at the same time. Got to see my family, which is ALWAYS a **JOY**...I love seeing how big my nieces and nephews are getting! Makes me feel old :( I also found out that my Big sis is preggers!! I KNEW IT...Oh and yeah, thanks Rebecca for lying to me for like 4 months....I soooooo knew you were PREGGERS!!!! Waiting to tell me in person, lying to me on the phone....HOW RUDE!!!! I have seen some recent pics of her and she in incredibly cute as a momma-to-be. Also on this trip to the keystone state we fnally went through all my mom's stuff to keep what we wanted to keep....I DID NOT LIKE THAT! It had to be done though. I found some amazing things that created fond thoughts and memories to flood my brain and my heart...I'll share just a few for your enjoyment:

1. Finding a pair of button-fly, stonewashed, tapered leg, high waisted jeans! OH MY...My mom rocked those like no one's business....with a pair of PURPLE high top Reebok sneakers! Seriously...couldn't make that up if I tried!!!!!

2. A 'Seventeen' magazine from 1997....leonardo was on the cover...what a stud!?!?!? ha! There was also a nice article on Hanson! Good times!

3. Digger the crab Beanie baby: let me just say that unless you saw this in person there is not real way to describe the insanity of what I am about to tell you. Seriously.... Whoever created beanie babies is a GENIUS! That person made a bazillion people think that putting beans in the butt of a stuffed animal and a birthday on a tag was the BEST IDEA EVER. My mom was on of the bazillion people that fell into the beanie baby trap and when i say fell, I mean FELL. We found container after container of beanie babies....thousands upon thousands of these things. And of course there were like 10 of each animal...I wish that I had captured the insanity on camera, but my weak description will have to suffice....back to Digger the crab: my nickname for several years and in certain areas of the state of PA now, was Digger. My nickname started it all...my mom searched high and low for Digger the crab beabie baby for me one year for Christmas and that is what began the many dollar bills and hours spent shopping, hunting down, trading, and giving beanie babies. So yessssss...Digger was found safe and sound in a hard plastic protective cover with it's tag still intact (so the value would not decrease). It is now and forever will be in my posession!!!!! So yeah....lots of beanie babies still reside at the ol' house in PA...LOTS!!!

4. Insane amounts of Christmas Decoration....picture National Lampoon's Christmas vacation....got that picture of their very lit house in your head....ok welp that is what Christmas was like at our house as well!!!!

And yesssss....I even have a scar on my body from that weekend that will forever remind me of the tough week in my life where I had to go through all of my mother's stuff, a week that I would have love to have not remembered much of (except for the time with the family!) I have a HUGE scar on my heal....long story short....it hurt, bled a lot, and I think happened for a reason. Still processing that reason....but I know the Lord is up to something!!! AND I can finally wear shoes after several months of not being able to!!!

MOVING ON....

Ummm what else, what else?? I might be going on another missions trip...still praying about that. I'll let ya know more if the Lord leads me to go. I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF SEEING THE WORLD!!!!! Headed to see my gal pal Jill for Turkey Day...SUPER excited about that!!! AND just taking one day at a time...looking for the Lord in the small things....trusting Him in the BIG things...leanring more and more about Him everyday....and LOVING Him!!!!!

My life is like 27 Dresses, EXCEPT for the ending! ha!!

I'm such a sucker for a romantic comedy! When I saw the previews for the movie 27 Dresses without hesitation I knew that I would LOVE it! (I know...gag me....i'm such a girl!!!!) It had a hottie for the guy who played the LOVE interest and it just looked funny. The movie is about a woman who NEVER gets the guy and watches ALL her gal pals around her tie the knot, and has been in 27 weddings hence the title, 27 dresses. BUT you know right away in the end she will get swept off her feet and finally have the ONE dress that really matters in a wedding...sooo ridiculously predictable, but I loved it anyway! Especially the part where they sing in the bar...classic!

ANWAY...I can't even begin to describe how my life has mirrored elements of that movie in the past year. I have had more gals in my life utter the words "i'm engaged" then I have ever had before. Seriously...they are dropping like flies!!! I have lost count of all my friends now that are either married or soon to be wed. Let me give you some statistics to help put my life in perspective. Every roommate that I have had since 1997 is either engaged or married. All but one of the girls that I led in a Bible Study, when I was in college, hitched too. (do I need to mention that they are all younger than me?!?!?) I think, but may need to double check, that all the girls that I was IN a Bible Study with are married. (ok...not 2 of them...but still!) THEN let's count the girls that I led in a Bible Study while I was on staff with Campus Crusade...yeppp, all hitched but 2 I believe...and yes, again...all the gals are younger than me! Do I need to go on?!?!?!?

About halfway through my marathon of weddings I had at the beginning of the summer, I kinda had a lil itty bitty breakdown! (i blogged about this a lil bit ago) I think sometimes people just don't get how difficult it can be to live in this society, with all the pressures put on women, with all the reminders that it is a "couples word", and with all the reminders that one is single. I feel like I am constantly bombarded with it...DAILY. I work with married people, I spend a lot of my free time with married people (bound to happen when all your gals get hitched!), the church that I have been attending is mostly married people...I can't make this stuff up if I tried. I feel like I have been under constant attack from the enemy the past several months about this area of my life because all around me people are transitioning and it feels like I am standing still. (does that make sense) I have also seen that those who are single, start dating...those who are dating get engaged, then married....then those that are married start popping out babies....then they try for more babies! Then there is me...still single, still living in wv, still feel like the same ol' amanda...not dating, not getting married, not popping out babies....AND THEN......

***this is where it gets good***

I absolutely LOVE how the Lord has met me during this time!!! If you look at my surroundings and the people in it it's no wonder I have been struggling with being single. It's bound to happen considering just how many wedding I have attended and will continue to attend...not to mention some super fun baby showers in the future!! (Yay Ashley & Patrick!!!! Sooooo stinkin' happy for you two!!!) I will admit, that at first, I just got super frustrated, angry, bitter, etc during the time of me attending the bazillio weddings in a row. Then me and the Lord just had a special moment together and ever since that wonderful night when I just took off down the interstate, my heart and my life haven't been the same. My outlook on my singleness has changed...honestly!! My outlook on my life stage is changed...the way I view myself has changed...the way I view the Lord has CHANGED!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!!

I have really been challenged by some truths that I have been learning. I have realized that I have for the past several years put my faith in circumstances and not in the Lord Himself. Do you realize how crazy that is....when we put our faith in our circumstances no wonder we experience frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. Our circumstances are messed up because of the world we live in...we live in sin, therefore our life/heart is gonna be wounded as a result of it. It's just the way it is. There will ALWAYS be things we don't understand, there will always be questions with no concrete answers, there will always be things that make us ask the question why? BUT do you realize that there is ALWAYS A FATHER THAT REMAINS THE SAME?!?!?!?! If we place our faith in Him, our constant source of truth, love, grace, etc. then our circumstances come and go without leaving us destroyed. Life is an out of control rollercoaster without the Lord...why in the world would we ever trust in that....I realize that I may never understand why certain things have happened and continue to happen in my life. (my mom passing away, being single, struggling with my weight, etc.) BUT the one thing that I know to be true is the character and promises of OUR amazing creator never change. His love never changes, His grace is never kept from us, His strength is never withheld, HIS PROMISES ARE CONSTANT AND TRUE NO MATTER WHAT OUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE!! HE IS CONSTANT AND TRUE NO MATTER WHAT OUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE!!!!!

I have really been challenged to by faith daily seek Him and His truths even if it is hard, even if it seems like He is silent, even if it is seemingly easier to ask why and search for an impossible answer...I was watching a Beth Moore video the other day and she made this statement: "We are always interested in God changing our circumstances but God is interested in changing us". I am now getting to the point where I am glad that I am single because I know that ultimately He is using this time to change and transform me into more like His Son!! Why would I want my circumstance to change when I know that He is using them for my good and His glory?!?!? I want to be changed by Him...I desire to be refined...I desire to grow and be molded by my heavenly Father. That is way better than any husband!!!!!

I am now able to, because of the changes that the Lord is doing in my life and heart, truly rejoice with my gals that are getting married, or just did get married, as well as the ones who are having children. It's such a neat thing!!! With strength from Him, I am able to have complete joy alongside them as I see the Lord move in their lives in special, amazing ways. AND I have realized too that the Lord is moving me into new places...into new depths of knowing Him, into new truths that He has lavished sooo generously on me. PLUS...I am pretty certain that my trip to Ghana most likely never would have happened, so praise Him who is doing a mighty work in and through me and in the lives of others around me. His purposes and plans are AWESOME and it's such a blessing to be a part of it all. (a small part...but a part nonetheless)

Whew....oh my...all that to say....God is doing some amazing stuff in my life and I pray that you will be challenged/encouraged by the truths that He is allowing me to see in a new and fresh way! the end. :)

I surrender...because His love is worth it!

Sooo, do whatever you need to do to get comfy cuz I fear this is gonna be a long one!!! (Hey, atleast I warned you from the start!) Ummmm, where to begin, where to begin? OK...so The past few weeks started off HORRIFIC! For those that don't know me all that well, I have FOREVER struggled with my self-esteem/self image, whatever ya wanna call it, and this has been reflected in every area of my life. I put on this front when I am uncomfortable and a lot of people just see that, they don't really see me. Weird, I know. I often have wondered what people think of me when they first meet me....but I am too afraid to really want to know enough to ask! ha!

ANYWAY...so I have often referred to this area of my life as "my thorn". I have seen pockets of growth, but overall I fear for the past 11 years of knowing and loving the Lord this area hasn't really changed that much. I've read books, I've read the verses that were supposedly true of me, but still not really gettin' it. I however could show you a bazillion verses on these issues and convince you that these truths were indeed true for you, but just couldn't even fathom that they could be true of me.

THEN...my other "thorn" if you will is always being the girl that is the bridesmaid never the bride, always the roommate never the bride, etc, etc. For reasons that I may never understand the area of "LOVE" has been withheld from me. I always meet super great guys that are amazing, love the Lord, have servants hearts, etc. YET they never seem to want me. Again, have read verse after verse, read book after book about this area and again have not felt like I have seen much growth in this area of my life. UGHHHH! And being the girl that I am that loves believing in lies about myself I attribute my lack of good looks and my lack of skinniness to this area. It made sense to me...if I am fat and ugly then that HAS TO BE the reason that I am single and alone. Duh, Amanda!

OK. OK. I know that some of you dear friends are getting ready to rebuke me like nobody's business, but please oh please keep reading....seriously!

3 or 4 weeks ago...I had reached a new low. I had just attended like the 1,000 wedding of my summer, had met a few great guys that weren't interested in me, my weight was spiraling out of control, I just hit "rock bottom" with how I was feeling about myself and how I was feeling about the Lord. On top of those issues, I am still processing my mother's death (I know...still!) Soooo, I did what any "normal" person does when gas costs 100/ounce....I just hop in my car, fill up my tank, and just drive south! I'm not kidding....I had no intentions of turning around, I didn't have a plan, I just drove. At first I just was bawling, listening to heavy metal music (????) and just drove! Then the screaming came...I just had it out with the Lord. Yelling, asking ? after ?, begging and pleading for understanding, letting Him know how I felt let down, I just got out everything and anything that I was thinking/believing. IT WAS AWESOME!!!

By the end of my pitty party that I was having while still driving south, I just got down to the heart of what is wrong with me....I was completely honest before the Lord, and I just poured my heart out to Him in a way that I have never done before. That's when He met me! He did and has done since that night lavished truth after truth on me. He has shown me He loves me, that He desires good things for me, that He thinks that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that He longs to be in communication with me, etc. Truth after truth has been pouring into my heart and I can't tell you the change that I have seen and experienced! I feel for the first time in my life I am seeing myself the way that He sees me!

I don't know if this is making any sense, but all the lies that I have been seeing as truths for me are no longer in me....my worth and beauty does not come from my size, the shape of my nose, the color of my hair, it comes from HIM. I am beautiful...not because of what I look like but because I am His! And He created me just as He planned! I am not single because I am being punished, I am single because He wants me all to Himself! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!?! He is not withholding things from me, He is loving me, guiding me, and using me as a single woman in a way that even I can't even understand.

His faithfulness is something that I hope to comprehend one day...I'm thankful that lately I have seen it active in my life. I have been praying for YEARS about these areas of my life and it is AMAZING to me that He has been here the whole time. He has been preparing my heart "for such a time as this" to really fully understand HIM. Have you guys and gals ever have moments where you see something new or fresh about HIM that you think is incredible????? It's stinkin' AWESOME!!!!!!!

***New topic***

Been doing a Bible Study on the fruit of the Spirirt....soooooo cool. Here are some things that I have been learning lately. Hope that it is encouraging to you too:

*the degree of our faithfulness is the direct result of our regard for God's faithfulness.
*faithfulness is resting in His certainty, being persuaded by His honesty, trusting in His reality, being won over by His veracity, being sure that He's sure and believing He's worth believing.
*Genuine faith walks steadfastly with God for the pleasure of His company not for His results!!!!!
*faith transforms character
*The most certain way to know God is to know His Word!

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. - Psalm 145:13

I hope and pray that the things that the Lord is teaching me will be an encouragement to you...that you can grasp onto His faithfulness! He is faithful to ALL His promises and loving toward ALL He has made!

I'll leave you with this...I have learned of a new worship leader out in Cali...her name is Kim Walker and her ministry is INCREDIBLE. I heard one song...went to itunes...and from there on her music has been such a BLESSING!!!!! She has this song called "I Surrender" and to summarize the lyrics the song basically says..."I surrender all that I am, all that I desire, all that I long for, my hopes and dreams...because YOUR LOVE IS WORTH IT!" It is my song on my myspace page...listen to it! AMAZING!!!!

HIS LOVE IS WORTH SURRENDERING EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! Can I get an Amen????? :)

More randomness from yours truly....

ok...so it has been a little bit since my last "blog/note"...what exactly do u call it since it is called 18 different things on 18 different pages of 18 different ways of keeping in contact with people on the net. (so u sense my frustration in the amount of pages a person needs to keep in order to please everyone they know!! I could spend 24/7 just updating pages that I have...booo for the internet sucking away precious hours of one's life!)OK now that I have that OUT of my system just thought I would update everyone on what's been goin' on in the crazy life of ME. (cuz u all care soooo much! yeah right!!)

STILL adjusting to the US...BUT am thankful that it has been difficult because that says to me that the things I learned in Ghana and the things that left an impression on my heart haven't left! I pray that it will be an indelible change on my heart and life!!!! Everyday since I have been back I have remembered the people, the faces, the stories; I have remembered the hope, joy, and love I saw bursting from the people; I remember the true NEEDS that I saw go unmet, and I remember the truths that the Lord just lavished on me while I was there. I have this aching in my heart to return to Africa someday...it is soooo true what "they" say, Africa indeed has a way of stealing your heart. I am committed to praying about when, how, and where I will return. No plans are in the making but the yearning to go back is very much present!

TIs the season - for WEDDINGS that is. Since my arrival back to the good US of A I have had, no kidding, 2 bridal showers and 5 weddings IN A ROW...my "last wedding" to attend is June 21st. THEN I have more weddings in the near future after that. Needless to say it has been an interesting few weeks for my heart. Single gals don't ALWAYS enjoy going to 1,000 events that remind them of their singleness...need I say more?!?!? BUT I truly have been blessed to share in some dear people's special days and for that I am truly thankful! (although I did have to miss one...bummed about that!)

Recently a challenge was placed in front of my face...a scary challenge...my challenge was one of forgiveness. It was brought to my attention that unless I am able to forgive people that have wronged me I will just continue to be consumed with wounds, hurts, bad feelings of the events and people. hmmmmm...like most issues in my heart, this was not new for me to hear. Although, my response this time to the familiar info was new...I actually thought that the person was RIGHT!!! who knew? Nah...seriously though, I think this was the first time after hearing it that I knew the Lord was calling me to FINALLY do it...forgive, but not forget. Sooo funnny, I have TOTALLY avoided meeting with the Lord on this matter cuz it's scary, hard, messy, painful, etc.etc. BUT He has a funny way of not letting me get away with being disobedient. I have been doing this Bible Study on the fruit of the Spirit and this week we were learning about patience....so you would think that I would be safe from dealing with the forgiveness issue...i mean, forgivenss....patience...they DO NOT go hand in hand, right!?!?!?

WRONG....just ask Beth Moore who asked THE LORD!!!!!!! Goodness...He has this incredible way of allowing us to have things happen in our life that reinforce what He is going to show us day in and day out. It kinda is annoying!!! IN A GOOD WAY OF COURSE!!!! Sooo needless to say I have been really challenged the past couple of weeks to fully and completely deal with issues in my life that have been present for several years...Here are some truths that I have "come across" that I believe are worth sharing:
*Being made conformable is rarely comfortable.
*How we respond to circumstances is important, but how we respond to others is critical.
*If He is patient with us and He has no sin, how patient must we be toward others with whom we share the same sin? Judgement strangles patience and grieves the Holy Spirit.
*It's easier to be clay than the potter.
*Matthew 18:15-35 Sweeeeet parable about forgiveness!!
*You cannot be free to keep step with the Spirit when you are encumbered by the load of unforgiveness.
*Forgiving won't make the offense all right; it will make YOU all right!
*Christ has a purpose in the pain you've suffered of He never would have allowed it. Until you surrender to His purpose in the specific matter at hand, He cannot work it for your good.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23ooops

ALMOST forgot....In honor and memory of my mom for mother's day I planted a rhododendron on the property at the Ranch near a BEAUTIFUL waterfall...it is such a cooooool place!!! It was a special way for me to remember her...pics will be coming soon cuz it is in full bloom!

Ghana Highlights

Well, some of you have been asking for details about what I did while I was in Ghana. Goodness, if I started typing all that I did, story after story would flow onto this blog and you would be very overwhelmed. Sooooo, I decided to just give ya'll some highlights to keep it easy reading but also give you a taste of what I did. Here ya go:

* I worked at an orphanage (Rafiki Village) as a teacher & administrator.
* I taught in the Kindergarten and Preschool classes everyday. (taught math, spelling, handwriting, you name it and I helped!)
* I was able to go off site and see different place in Ghana. I went to a few different villages to get a good taste of what Ghana is REALLY like. I saw some pretty "rough" areas where people call "home". Was quite remarkable to see how people live in the bush country of Africa.
* Was able to go to markets and kiosks galore! I bargained with the best of 'em! Actually got really good at it by the end of my trip...kinda shocked myself and the Ghanians!
* Got proposed to a few times....*sigh* I can't even get a DATE here in America. (in case you were wondering, I politely turned them down. AND by polite I actually mean, I laughed in their faces! Mainly because I don't get attention from men in the US so I wasn't quite sure how to respond other than with laughter)
* On a similar note...got asked for my phone number as well. AGAIN...laughter followed!!!!
* Decided that even if I was called "Blondie" or "Golden Princess" or "My Sistah" that those names were ONLY given to me because either they wanted me to spend money in their shop, or marry me so I would bring them back to the US! Ahhhhh, Good Times!!!
* Had my heart & eyes opened to more of the world and God's heart for the world.
* Rode on a "tro tro". OK this was really fun...Tro tro's are like a 15 passenger van that would be kinda like a taxi in America. They squeeze as many Ghanians in these things that can fit...like 20-25! They tro tro's are less than desirable looking, the drivers drive CRAZY...like they don't follow any road rules at all, break down ALL the time, have parts that fall off ALL the time, and are also a way of transporting dead people! They also transport livestock on the tops of them! AND I RODE ONE!!!!! It was quite an experience let me tell ya! When in Ghana...be like the Ghanians!!!! (see pics for a view of tro tro's)
* Was able to see what true joy and true hope looks like. Joy & Hope in the Lord!
* flew all by myself which I would now say is SUPER EASY!! Funny that I was really nervous about that. Piece of cake...will go anywhere in the world by myself now!!! The Lord is soooo good...all my peace and trust was from Him and He allowed me to have a good flying experience! * was able to spend A LOT of time reading, praying, journaling, & time in the WORD.....this was a very unexpected blessing about my trip! Funny how the Lord called me clear across the world to meet with Him in a real special way!!!! (word's can't accuratley describe all that He did in my heart and life!!!)
* tried Ghanian food...ummm let's just say that it is hot, spicy, and fishy! I am not a fan of fish so needless to say I ate rice, and well, rice! And scrumptous fruit!!! I had the most amazing pineapple, bananas, and mangos that I have ever tasted!!! If I could have brought a suitcase full of fruit home I would have left all that I took over to do that!!! Yepp, it was that good!
* Fell in love with Ghana, it's people, and the culture!
* Experienced Ghanian church....INCREDIBLE!!!!
* Decided that kids are kids EVERYWHERE and that no matter where I am I LOVE KIDS!!!! They were all amazing! (see pics and you'll see it too!!)
* Ghana was the MOST AMAZING experience I have ever had, EVER!!!! To see people who have nothing live like they have everything because of the Lord was indescribable.
* I am forever changed as a result of this trip and can't wait to go back!!! (where & when is the ?)!!!!!!!

New perspective on....

Death and loss - those 2 words have been a HUGE part of my life for the past 4 1/2 years. Those 2 words are a part of Ghanian culture daily. One of the key things that the Lord revealed to me when I was in Ghana was this: these people have NOTHING, yet they live like they have EVERYTHING because of whose they are. I can't begin to tell you how many people's stories I heard that death and loss is so prevalent in their life that it didn't phase them AT ALL. It's like it's all they have known. All the orphans I worked with were orphaned by AIDS, many of the women who were the Mommas to these orphans had lost husbands to disease, going to 3 church services and hearing about church members being remembered because of the loss of their life in the previous week, seeing different villages and meeting all kinds of people and hearing story after story of the loss that they have experienced. To say it was heartbreaking is putting it mildly, but one thing remained true of every single person I came across...they were praising the name of our heavenly Father for what they still have, the food that they can eat, the clothes on their back, and for the very fact that the Lord allowed them to have people in their life that they love and that love them.

In each face I found a story and in each face I found true joy and hope! Their joy and hope was not found in what they have or what they do, in fact most if not all of those people were blessed if they had a meal a day, a roof over their heads, etc. Their joy and hope is in the Lord! I have never seen that the way I saw it in these people. They are complete and whole because of who they belong to. OH HOW I LONG TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THAT!!!!! To know that I am complete, to know that my hope and joy is found COMPLETELY in Him!!!!!

One of my friends made a "your momma" joke to me yesterday. Well, my momma is no longer alive and they had kinds forgotten about that until after they told the joke. I actually thought the joke was pretty funny...and then he felt really bad afterwards. Then he asked me how I was doing this mother's day. To be honest, I had forgotten until I got back to the states that Mother's Day was this Sunday so I hadn't really had time to wallow in my sorrow like previous years! :) But after seeing what I saw in Ghana and meeting the people and hearing their stories it just broke me in a way that I never expected. I no longer desire to live my life asking questions that will never get answered about my mom's death, I don't want to live in frustration towards the Lord for taking her away "too soon", I don't want to miss my mom and long for her to be here with us again, I WANT TO BE THANKFUL for the the time that the Lord blessed me with when she was here. I was able to have my mom for 25 years...the orphans I grew to love, well, some have absolutely NO memory of their parents. Being an orphan is all they have ever known. Lisa Marie Shellgren was my mom for 25 years, my memories of her will last my entire life and I want to be thankful for that. I want to live not in what I wish I still had but in the joy and hope that is found only in the Lord.

hmmmmm....I guess you can say that I got more than I bargained for in Ghana! I never imagined that my life would be forever altered in the way that it has been. This is just one area that I thought to share about because it has had a huge impact on my life and well it's Happy Mom's Day on Sunday, a day that I usually pretend isn't happening. Well, this Mom's Day I am going to do something that celebrates the life of my mom and the time that I did have with her!