I surrender...because His love is worth it!

Sooo, do whatever you need to do to get comfy cuz I fear this is gonna be a long one!!! (Hey, atleast I warned you from the start!) Ummmm, where to begin, where to begin? OK...so The past few weeks started off HORRIFIC! For those that don't know me all that well, I have FOREVER struggled with my self-esteem/self image, whatever ya wanna call it, and this has been reflected in every area of my life. I put on this front when I am uncomfortable and a lot of people just see that, they don't really see me. Weird, I know. I often have wondered what people think of me when they first meet me....but I am too afraid to really want to know enough to ask! ha!

ANYWAY...so I have often referred to this area of my life as "my thorn". I have seen pockets of growth, but overall I fear for the past 11 years of knowing and loving the Lord this area hasn't really changed that much. I've read books, I've read the verses that were supposedly true of me, but still not really gettin' it. I however could show you a bazillion verses on these issues and convince you that these truths were indeed true for you, but just couldn't even fathom that they could be true of me.

THEN...my other "thorn" if you will is always being the girl that is the bridesmaid never the bride, always the roommate never the bride, etc, etc. For reasons that I may never understand the area of "LOVE" has been withheld from me. I always meet super great guys that are amazing, love the Lord, have servants hearts, etc. YET they never seem to want me. Again, have read verse after verse, read book after book about this area and again have not felt like I have seen much growth in this area of my life. UGHHHH! And being the girl that I am that loves believing in lies about myself I attribute my lack of good looks and my lack of skinniness to this area. It made sense to me...if I am fat and ugly then that HAS TO BE the reason that I am single and alone. Duh, Amanda!

OK. OK. I know that some of you dear friends are getting ready to rebuke me like nobody's business, but please oh please keep reading....seriously!

3 or 4 weeks ago...I had reached a new low. I had just attended like the 1,000 wedding of my summer, had met a few great guys that weren't interested in me, my weight was spiraling out of control, I just hit "rock bottom" with how I was feeling about myself and how I was feeling about the Lord. On top of those issues, I am still processing my mother's death (I know...still!) Soooo, I did what any "normal" person does when gas costs 100/ounce....I just hop in my car, fill up my tank, and just drive south! I'm not kidding....I had no intentions of turning around, I didn't have a plan, I just drove. At first I just was bawling, listening to heavy metal music (????) and just drove! Then the screaming came...I just had it out with the Lord. Yelling, asking ? after ?, begging and pleading for understanding, letting Him know how I felt let down, I just got out everything and anything that I was thinking/believing. IT WAS AWESOME!!!

By the end of my pitty party that I was having while still driving south, I just got down to the heart of what is wrong with me....I was completely honest before the Lord, and I just poured my heart out to Him in a way that I have never done before. That's when He met me! He did and has done since that night lavished truth after truth on me. He has shown me He loves me, that He desires good things for me, that He thinks that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that He longs to be in communication with me, etc. Truth after truth has been pouring into my heart and I can't tell you the change that I have seen and experienced! I feel for the first time in my life I am seeing myself the way that He sees me!

I don't know if this is making any sense, but all the lies that I have been seeing as truths for me are no longer in me....my worth and beauty does not come from my size, the shape of my nose, the color of my hair, it comes from HIM. I am beautiful...not because of what I look like but because I am His! And He created me just as He planned! I am not single because I am being punished, I am single because He wants me all to Himself! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!?! He is not withholding things from me, He is loving me, guiding me, and using me as a single woman in a way that even I can't even understand.

His faithfulness is something that I hope to comprehend one day...I'm thankful that lately I have seen it active in my life. I have been praying for YEARS about these areas of my life and it is AMAZING to me that He has been here the whole time. He has been preparing my heart "for such a time as this" to really fully understand HIM. Have you guys and gals ever have moments where you see something new or fresh about HIM that you think is incredible????? It's stinkin' AWESOME!!!!!!!

***New topic***

Been doing a Bible Study on the fruit of the Spirirt....soooooo cool. Here are some things that I have been learning lately. Hope that it is encouraging to you too:

*the degree of our faithfulness is the direct result of our regard for God's faithfulness.
*faithfulness is resting in His certainty, being persuaded by His honesty, trusting in His reality, being won over by His veracity, being sure that He's sure and believing He's worth believing.
*Genuine faith walks steadfastly with God for the pleasure of His company not for His results!!!!!
*faith transforms character
*The most certain way to know God is to know His Word!

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. - Psalm 145:13

I hope and pray that the things that the Lord is teaching me will be an encouragement to you...that you can grasp onto His faithfulness! He is faithful to ALL His promises and loving toward ALL He has made!

I'll leave you with this...I have learned of a new worship leader out in Cali...her name is Kim Walker and her ministry is INCREDIBLE. I heard one song...went to itunes...and from there on her music has been such a BLESSING!!!!! She has this song called "I Surrender" and to summarize the lyrics the song basically says..."I surrender all that I am, all that I desire, all that I long for, my hopes and dreams...because YOUR LOVE IS WORTH IT!" It is my song on my myspace page...listen to it! AMAZING!!!!

HIS LOVE IS WORTH SURRENDERING EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! Can I get an Amen????? :)