Texas Update LONG Overdue

Howdy folks!  (Do I sound Texan yet?)  Many of you know my journey here in Austin got off to a rocky start and I am feeling like I am back on my feet....well sorta.  After seeing the Lord go ABOVE and BEYOND to get me here and to provide for all my needs I was diagnosed with mono after week 1 of being here.  Now listen...it wasn't cuz i got all crazy and kissed a bunch of guys before moving, so no kissing jokes, please!  They never did figure out just how I got it.  :/ After battling with mono for several months I am finally feeling more like myself.  I still get very tired and fatigued and it takes me longer to recover, but I am mostly feeling like myself again.  So yay for healing!  Due to the crazy start it has taken me awhile to doing fun things in the city but below are just a few things that have been checked off my 'I wanna do that cuz you should when you live in Austin' list:

-Trip to South Congress.  Lots of shops and fun places to eat.  Had a slice of pizza from the 'best pizza in town', Homeslice Pizza.  I must say it was some yummy pizza!

-Chuy's Tex Mex joint.  Been there a few times...let just say the food is amazing and there is a HUGE fish with a delighful mustache on it.  What could be better??  If you come and visit me I will take you there.  :)

-WVU/UT Game!  It seriously was the best sporting event I have ever been to!  WVU kicked some butt, it was an excting game, and the crowd was soooooo energized and loud!  It was a great experience being in that stadium and cheering on the Mountaineers!

-Torchy's Tacos - breakfast tacos are all the rage here in Austin.  Best breakfast taco place I have been to yet.

-Dominican Connetion:  Found a favorite coffee shop!  Dominican Joe....sooo cool.  When you purchase coffee the proceeds go to the DR!  We all know that a part of my heart is still very much in the DR so to find a place that partners up with the DR was amazing for my heart!  There is pics of Domincan and Haitian kiddos all over the shop!  There is also a non-profit org that was started up and is based out of Austin...makarios...they meet the spiritual, educational, and physical needs to children in the DR.  I am pursuing volunteering with them and possibly making more trips to the DR to assist in whatever ways they need in the future.

-Central Market.  google it.  it's awesome!  I will take you there when you come and visit!  :) 

All in all my first few months here in Austin have been great!  Even in the midst of having mono I was still able to enjoy my job at UT (when I could get out of my bed to get to the office) and time with the kiddos has been super fun!!  Nothing like seeing Adam and Asher on a somewhat regular basis to put a smile on my face and it reminds my heart to continue being excited about two special reasons I moved here.

OK and one more thing that is sooooo not related to TX in any way....it just makes me laugh soooo much everytime I watch it I can't help but share:

smiley

apparently i smile a lot.  like, a lot alot.

so i have now lived in Austin, TX for just over 5 months and i'm pretty sure i have been told 1,000 times that i smile a lot.  really?  do people in TX not smile that much????  i think it's funny that has been the major observation people have made about me since relocating especially since there were a lot of days early on when i felt like crap because mono had gotten the best of me.  also i was sad that i was a foreigner in a strange land where there was a lot of traffic, a lot of weird lookin folks, and no mountains.  yes, i did kind of get used to to the crazy landscape that is WV.  I also think it's funny because it's not something I even notice I am doing.

You know why i smile a lot?  It's because of who is in me...the light that shines so bright is Jesus residing in my heart.  I think it's awesome that people are seeing Him, not me.  NOW I smile even brighter and wider when someone comments on my smile because I am reminded of who they are seeing when they notice my smile.  I am also excited to tell them that is He they are seeing not me.  How cool is it that we can be a vessel for His love, truth, and joy to shine through!  That we can be compassionate, loving, forgiving, and gracious because He resides in us!  How awesome is it that He can be known as we serve and love Him by what people observe in us.  It's not us....it's Him in us!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

 Romans 15:13

"training"

had a lil "aha" moment today.

So the past week and few days I have been training my replacement here at my job in west virginia.  Like usual, I organized a training manual, made a training outline for myself as a sort of check list, and mentally prepared for the transition.  Cuz that is what normal people do right?  Don't answer that.  Did I mention that the manual was somewhat anally organized/detailed and also included me making a "key".  Why oh why has the good Lord given me the gift of organization?  :)

So even after the first few days of training I was feeling like it was going really well.  I figured out that I was using gifts/skills I learned in my college years (see they weren't completely for not) and was receiving very positive feedback regarding the training I am doing.  Also the question was posed to me twice:  "so why exactly are you not teaching????"  Well boy oh boy did that make my wheels churn a bit.

See I know in my heart that I would be a good teacher skill wise, but my heart wouldn't be in to the degree that it would need to be in order to make me a great teacher.  This is why I decided to not pursue it after college, plus I knew the Lord was leading me in another direction.  I always joke and say there is a teacher inside of me....it's just comes very natural to me....BUT I have chosen to utilize these gifts in things like leading small group Bible Studies not in the public school setting.

This training experience that I am now in the midst of is showing me a skill set that I didn't see quite as clearly as I do now and man has my brain been a spinnin with how He can continue to use me in this way.  THEN my aha moment!  What have I like wanted to do for like a gazillion and 3 years?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Be a wife and a mommy who happens to homeschool her kiddos.  uh, duh!  Sooooooo I'm thinking that ultimately that is how He would like me to utilize these gifts but until then.....

Funny how He is showing me this in a new way now that I am relocating and needing a new job.  Pray with me that the job He has for me will enable me to use these skills that He has so graciously blessed me with AND pray that if it's His will that He would lead me to a godly man who would like to pursue my heart and pursue it for the rest of our lives and that this so called man would also like to have a family and that it would give his heart joy that I would homeschool our kiddos. i'm just sayin.

Thank You Tenth Avenue North

'Times'

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
and I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You
All that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
or can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending
What I've become
What have I become?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (x4)

I hear You say My love is over,
It's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend"

Well My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between,
These times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm

it's not all bad ;)

I realized after reading the blog I just posted that it appeared that i have been having a horrible few months.  not true....they have been hard, but not horrible.  Here are some fun things that have been happening in this crazy, silly, single gal's life:

-spending time with wonderful friends
-conversations over yummy panera beverages
-planning the AMAZING road trip that will be taking place in 2 short months with the crazy friends that are moving me.  I am soooo blessed to have them in my life.  It's not everyday you meet people that are willing to drive a uhaul for me or join me in my car for a 23 hour car ride.  It's gonna be a fun road trip for me and the three j's!!!!!!  (Jason, Jeanette, & Jessica)  Are you sure you all wanna do this?!?!?!?  it's not too late to back out!  ;)
-learning how to knit.  yep....i have made some rockin dish cloths.  don't be jealous.  ;)
-listening to a Beth Moore sermon series that is rockin my face off.  She may be a tad too "southern bell" for me at times, but man does she know the Word!

Welp, it's not much, but I would say that I am truly blessed!!!  Starting over is looking good but it's bittersweet at the same time.  :)

Oh and this video is HILARIOUS....makes me laugh out loud EVERY time I watch it.  Enjoy!!

2 months & ickiness

Whoa.  So this whole moving thing is like really happening.  Like really really happening.  I have been busy packing and labeling like the organized dork I am.  Color coding things should be a spiritual gift :)  I still have no news on the job front or the house front, but I am trusting the Lord to provide for the following things:

-a job where I can be a light for Him
-a job where i can continue paying off my grown-up debt (stupid car & education)  ;)
-a house near my sister's neightborhood that has the following:  rent for a max of $1,000.  storage (mainly cuz i have a lot of Christmas decorations that i can't part ways with just yet).  a porch.  a driveway would be nice.  and that is surrounded by wonderful neighbors that I can love.  and one that we can move into on April 29.

I don't think it's much to ask for, but I am trusting that the Lord will provide for Jill and I's every need.  He knows the house He has for us, and I will just keep praying and trusting.  Even in the midst of ALL the unanswered questions He is continually giving me moments of peace!  My emotions get a lil outta whack every now and again, but mostly I am trusting Him with all the questions and unknowns.

So these past few months have been really hard for me.  I have been dealing with some sin and anger.  I feel icky just thinking about it.  I just realize how my sin affects those around me....how hurtful I can be even when it's not my intention and especially when it is my intention.  (see, ickiness)  :(  I don't know what has been happening in my heart, but it's like I have lost focus on what matters.  I have gotten sucked into worldy views all the while knowing that I don't agree, but not being bold enough to stand up for truth.  To be honest I am surprised by that....I thought I was stronger than that, wiser than that, for lack of a better word, better than that.

It's been a HUGE wake up call for me....even in my silence because I have not stood up for truth when I should have, I have hurt people around me.   I let myself down and I have not glorified the Lord.  I think after realizing this, being smacked in the face with conviction, I have tried to "make things right" with those that I have hurt.  I have confessed confessed and confessed and apologized apologized and apologized.  What saddens me the most is that people don't understand me now that I am not being silent anymore, now that I am makine decisions that do bring the Lord glory, now that I am standing up for truth.  The reaction that I have received for the most part appear to me more judgement than understanding.  See ickiness.  My sin sucks and it hurts those around me and then it makes me sad that I have the power to cause others pain.  I have often said that I am ok with being hurt....I will get over it, I always have and will, but to know that I caused hurt for other people, well that is something I can't deal with.  It's too painful.  I hate that I have the ability to hurt people.

The Lord has been lavishing me with love and grace these past several weeks....once the conviction smack occurred and my actions changed.  :)  He is healing hurt that occurred and disciplining me so that the sin is not a repeat event....that I am being transformed as a result of His work in me through the junk.  Refiners Fire.  My hearts one desire.  Is to be holy.  Set apart for you, Lord.  I choose to be holy.

Life is full of laughter

A week ago I was given an early going away gift from some of my co-workers.  The reason it was early was due to the fact that one of the gift givers was leaving for another job.  Please enjoy the gift and video!  (sorry i tried to directly link those on this blog, but blogger wasn't working) 

3 1/2 months....

Pretty soon Texas will be home!  I am super excited about "starting over" in a new place, meeting new people, joining a new church family, connecting with family and old friends....YAY!!!!!  The plan is to me there by the start of May, unless there is a job that opens up beforehand (realistically trying to find a job outta state has proven to be a tad more difficult that I had originally anticipated so I'm thinking it will not be before May)  I am in a position where I am praying and hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst.

The past few weeks have been really discouraging...getting rejection e-mails from job after job, having doubting people question my decision, focusing on emotions and not leaning on His truths, but when it's all said and done, I have no choice but to walk in faith trusting Him along the way.  To some people it may seem to be foolishness, but in my heart I know it's obedience. 

I have thought about situations I have found myself in over the past several years.  Raising support when I was on staff with Campus Crusade....I thought it would never come in yet I found myself moving to WV to do college ministry.  The Lord had provided for what He had called me to do.  When I knew I was leaving the Ranch and was about to be carless and jobless, He provided above and beyond.  A fixed car and a new job, health benefits, retirement package etc.  When I decided to live in the DR for 3 months.  He provided above and beyond the amount of support needed for the trip and then on top of that blessed me with a job that remained when I returned back from the DR.

Time and time again I have seen the Lord provide in abundance when I have willingly submitted to what He was calling me to do.  I hate that I have moments of doubt.  I don't like that I struggle in trusting Him to provide for my every need.  I often wonder if He thinks, what more do I have to do to show her that I am trustworthy?  When will she realize that she is not in control?  When will she release her life completely so that she can walk serving Me in full confidence that I will meet all her needs according to My will for her life?  When will she fully and completely let go?

Good thing this a journey, and there is grace.....cuz this girl surely needs it, a lot of it.  My personal hope for 2012 is that it would be a year of new beginnings.  Not just in relocating, but spiritually as well.  I want to continue to grow in my walk with my Savior.  I want to learn to trust wholy and completely, and to fall more in love with Jesus...in ways that I haven't yet.

Had a good reminder this week from an old friend....the thing that matters the most is my relationship with Him.  As long as I abide in Him, and walk by faith knowing my Savior, then all else falls away. The details of the move, the many unknowns, they don't matter.  What matters is that I know Jesus and I long for others to know Him, and I love Him and others because of His love for me.  The end.  :)

Eucharisteo

A believe that the Lord orchestrates beautiful things to take place in our life...things that at the moment seem ordinary but oh how He will turn the ordinary moments into life-changing, Jesus-filled, joy moments where we realize that our life will forever be changed. I had one of those moments this past Friday. I was driving around town and ended up meeting with my sweet friend Dawn at Target because she was braving the crazy Black Friday crowds to get some much needed winter gear for her kiddos. This was not a planned time together, but a decsion made kind of on a whim. I joined her as she was crossing things off her list...our Target trip was full of good conversation and laughter. I love this woman so much! She is such a joy in my life and I respect her for the way she lives out the Gospel daily.

As we were walking around chatting she mentioned a book that she read that changed her life. Now when Dawn say something has changed her life I listen, and listen quickly! She starts telling me about the book - 'One Thousand Gifts'. As she is talking about it she gets so super excited and decides that she is going to buy me the book. Well what a blessing that book has been in the past 5 days of my life. It's all about Eucharisteo - giving thanks. This "ordinary" woman is being used by the Lord to change thousands of people's lives/hearts by simply practicing Eucharisteo. She started making a list of 1,000 things in her daily life that she is thankful for. Once she hit 1,000 she didn't stop, but continued on daily giving thanks for the Lord's blessings in her life and as a result she is experiencing living a full satisfied life in Christ, not wishing and wanting for something other than what she has. To find joy and thanksgiving in the "boring, mundane, or pain" is the key to living a grace-filled life. A life that honors the Lord.  She found that starting a habit of practicing thanksgiving was like a nail driving out the old habits of self doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, and discontment.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I am only about halfway through this book, but I am starting my list of 1,000 gifts:

 

1. Redemption in Loss.

  

Let me explain. My sister and I growing up didn't have a great relationship. (that is putting it mildy actually) It was a relationship that didn't seem to have much hope in it. I always kind of felt like our relationship was doomed from the beginning and it would remain as it began. Well wasn't I quite wrong. Things changed a little when she went off to college and I remained at home for my senior year of high school, then that was followed by a little bit more positive change as I went off to college. Hints of the past would creep in when we would be at home for the holidays, but there were longer breaks in between the hurtful times. Then enter the passing of our mom. I never imagined being able to see good in such an awful time in my life. Losing my mom is like a gaping wound that never heals. It has gotten smaller over the years, but it still hurts some days as if it happened yesterday.

Enter the redemption in loss. My relationship with my dear sister Becky has been redeemed. We have gotten closer the past 7 years...both fully experiencing loss that I don't think we ever thought we would have to face this early in our lives. A loss that has inevitably drawn us closer to one another.  Then enter Asher and Adam. What a joy my nephews are! Since they have been born I feel a tug on my heart to "do" more for Becky. Mom would have moved to Texas by now to be closer to Becky and the boys and it breaks my heart that my sis had to have some of the most amazing days in her life occur without mom being there to be her biggest cheerleader. I know I can never be in my becky's life as mom would have, but I love her so much that I want to be someone in her life that will encourage her, help her, cheer her on in her achievements, and not just be her sister but her friend too.   This also spurs me onto being in the kids daily life.

Losing mom has been the most hurtful thing I have ever had to experience, but seeing the development of my relationship with Becky since then has been a rainbow in the midst of a storm. So Becky, I am very thankful for you, for the past few years that we have grown closer and I look forward to many more years seeing our relationship grow! You are such a joy in my life and I am incredibly thankful for you.


 

Redemption in Loss. Such a BEAUTIFUL thing.

Clinging to the Cross

Simply to the cross I cling. Letting go of all earthly things. I'm clingy to the cross. Mercy's found a way for me, hope is here as I am free. Jesus You are all I need, I'm clinging to the cross.

This is the chorus that played over and over as I took a prayer drive this past Sunday all around Morgantown. Prayer drive, you ask? Yes, a prayer drive. I felt led to drive all over Morgantown and pray as the Lord led me to pray. It was one of the best afternoons I have had in a very long time. As I passed the hopsitals and prayed for the patients and family members visiting the patients, and as I drove down the street that is lined with bars and crazy college students the chorus above played over and over again.

Driving past old churches that I have attended, apartments of my first and only ex-boyfriend, the place I drove to after I left the hospital the night after my mom passed away, and past the homes of all the friends I have made over the years I was reminded of His faithfulness, His love, His grace, and His joy. Praying for the ones that have wounded me...praying for the ones I have wounded. Praying for the ambulance as it sped past me with it's lights glaring. Praying for my future. Praying truths from His Word. Praying over the Crusade office, the Ranch, praying for all the amazing people who are serving the Lord so that He will transform Morgantown into a place of hope....

As I drove and drove and prayed and prayed constantly listening to the words above...how amazing is our life when we are clinging to the cross. How amazing is life when we are abiding in Him, immersed in His Word, looking for Him to move and work in every detail of our day. How amazing life is knowing that no matter what the minutes will bring, the pain ahead on the path He has planned for us, He is enough. No matter what mistakes we have made His grace is sufficient. His love is enough. His mercy is enough.

Jesus, You ARE all I need.

focusing on the pigs

Mark 5:1-20 The Healing of the Demon-possessed Man

Not cliffnotes, but Amanda notes: Jesus comands evil spirits to come out of a man, they then enter 2,000 pigs and lead the pigs to their death, drowing them in a lake near by. As people witness this miracle, they were afraid and asked Jesus to leave.

I have heard a few sermons in my day about these verses but the focus has always been on the demon-possessed man and the miracle that Jesus performed in his life. After He performs the miracle, He comands the man to share with others what He did, so that others will believe in Him. The emphasis has been on the man being commanded to share his story, to tell others of the mercy and love of Jesus. This emphasis is important and I don't mean to minimalize it, however that is not what strikes me in this story.

I think the reason is three-fold:

1. I have ALWAYS seen the importance of sharing my story with others. It's actually my favorite thing to tell people because I love using personal stories to relate to others. I guess you can say I value that aspect of building relationships with others.

2. I think that this lesson is very obvious to the reader, Jesus's teaching was very apparent in this chunk of scripture.

3. Timing is everything and I think I needed to see an additional lesson these verses emphasize. (isn't that the great thing about the Lord! He has timely lessons for us as He is working in our lives and that His truths are even in the shortest of verses!)

What strikes me is the response of the people that witnessed the miracle. They focused on the pigs....they missed it. They missed seeing mercy and love that occurred right in front of their faces! They missed the bigger picture because they were distracted by the pigs. The pigs represent a loss, a worldy and financial loss. It is clear to me what their hearts were focused on.

That resonates soooooo much in me.....makes me realize just how much i miss when my heart is focused on worldy things. I miss what He is doing in and through me when it is right in front of my face! I am distracted by unmet desires. being busy and selfish with my time. being lazy and not in the Word as much as He desires for me to be. not giving up desires that may not be of the Lord. Struggling with finding my security in other things then the Lord.....etc etc.

Going back to a more obvious lesson of these verses..sharing what He has done and is doing in our lives. If we are focusing on the "pigs" and not on Him how can we even be active in sharing what He is doing when we are too distracted to see it....Whoa! Makes ya think doesn't it? Makes me think. I pray that my focus would not be on the "pigs" but on our Maker!

A lil of this, a lil of that

well goodness....has it really been almost a WHOLE month since my last post? how does that happen??? Time sure does FLY by, whoa nelly!

Work has still been going great! It's always a good sign when you wake up early in the mornings excited for your work day to start. I think the reason that I have mentioned this numerous times is that I never ever thought I would enjoy a "non-ministry" position before. Now don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the path the Lord has been leading me on the past several years, but I think I was always a little scared to have a "non-ministry" position....I thought maybe I wouldn't be a "good" Christian in that environment. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I am excited to see that the Lord uses me in every situation He places me in. It's not about being a "good" Christian, it's about being a Christ follower.

Exercise? So I am gonna start training for another 5K. Rail Trail, here I come!!!!!! ooooh and I was thinking about buying a mountain bike. Anybody out there wanna help me get a good one??? (Jeanette....I mean u, when I say anybody! Let's go get me a bike soon. k?) I am just hoping for a few things:

1. I want my bike to be purple. yes, purple. don't judge....
2. That I won't look like a complete dweeb in a helmet.
3. That I can buy a BIG seat for my not so small bottom. I do hope that the riding of the bike will make my bottom smaller. :)
4. Did I mention that I want a purple one? just checking.....

Switching gears - I am currently in TEXAS!!!!! I have had the joy of meeting precious Adam for the first time. Cuddle time with him has been pretty sweet. I have also had the joy of playing with giggly Asher. Oh my stars is he a cutie!!!! Here are some pics.....enjoy.

It has been good to be here with the kiddos, Peter, and Reba. Part of me is excited to get back home and then another part of me wants to move here. sigh. welp, that's it for now.....

work

uhhhhh, so just a lil over a week ago i blogged about tears. seems that my tear ducts are functioning well...too well infact. Today, I started crying at work. yes, at work. Me and my friend Val work in the same department. The two of us plus our supervisor make up our department. The three of us work really well together and have loads of fun. Our supervisor is always telling us how much we resemble her daughters....it's like she is our psuedo mom.

Val and I decided we were going to get our supervisor a gift for Mother's Day cuz she is always making comments about her being our mom at work. Val and I have lots in common, but one thing is that we both lost our moms. As we were discussing what we were gonna do for the gifts, I started tearing up....looked at Val and then she yelled "stop" and then she started to tear up. AT. WORK.

Sigh.....

Usually I am crying at work when I laugh extremely hard. (this does occur often!)

It's soooo funny to me to think back when I was looking for jobs a few summers ago...I found this job by looking in the classified ads in the newspaper. Honestly, I only applied for the job because it said you had to be able to lift up to 50lbs, and well I am burly, so I figured I could do it. ;) Then once I got hired I kinda thought it was an undercover terrorists thingy. (The first position I had was shipping items overseas on a daily basis, thus proving my terrorist theory wasn't completely off track) hehehehehehehehehehe

I really just took the job because I needed one. I never could have anticpiated how much I would gain from working there. yes, like every work expereience there are good and bad things, however my experience has been predominantly a good one. It has been my first experience working in a non-mininstry position (although i view it as my ministry). I never could have imagined that I would still be working there, in a completely different department, and really enjoying it. I have met wonderful people there. People that make me laugh, that encourage me, that pray for me, that challenge me, that frustrate me (as I frustrate others too I'm sure), and that make me want to be better.

I feel like I have learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses and am trying to take every opportunity while there to continue to build on my strengths, and work on my weaknesses. I look forward to going to work every day, laughing with my co-workers, and serving the Lord in the administrative position He chose to bless me with. I consider this job a gift as well as the relationships/friendships I have made there. He knew what He was doing when He led me to that classified ad. I LOVE that He knows what is our best even if it doesn't appear to make sense to us. I LOVE that He uses everthing for His Glory...I LOVE that I am blessed to be a small part of His BIG plan. He chose to give me life, to place me in the position He prepared me for, and will continue to lead and guide me accordingly to His plan! Soooooo thankful for Him and the many joys and blessings I get to experience on a daily basis.

Tears

i cry. A LOT.

Sometimes I find this bothersome. sometimes i find this to be frustrating. other times i find this to be quite special. (i have yet to determine whether this "special" is good or bad)

Just in the past few days these are the things that have caused tears to roll down my cheeks:

-watching a movie where a father dying of cancer was reunited with his estranged son. Something about seeing the redeeming qualities of the father and son brought out due to a family crisis just stirred raw emotion in me. And of course the fact that the father dies...come on. WHO wouldn't cry at THAT?!?!?!

-reading my journal that my friends made for me just about a year ago when I was about to leave on my 3 month journey in the DR. Seeing how the Lord has woven my life with many people who love Him and serve Him. Encouraged by their thoughts of me and what they have seen the Lord do in and through me. again....WHO wouldn't cry at THAT?!?!?!?!?!

-during a reflective time I had with the Lord over the weekend. Just being reminded of how much He loves me. How much He desires me. Knowing how He pursues me. Experiencing his love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, patience....ok, admit it....YOU are now crying, cuz WHO wouldn't cry at THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

-Reading a blog of a dear friend who also lost her mother. Reading her thoughts about that loss in her life...knowing that for me losing my mother affects me to the core daily. It's a loss that I can't seem to understand. it's a loss that I'm constantly reminded of. I attempt to do life knowing that I don't have a mom to call anymore. it's wanting to know how in the world she made apple crisp cuz eventhough i follow her recipe it never tastes like how she made it. Knowing that I'm not going home on Easter Sunday because I don't even know if anyone in my family is getting together for Easter dinner. Telling my friends son about my mom telling my brother that i was going to be green and the incredible hulk when i was born and how he was disappointed that i was a girl, not green, and definitely not the incredible hulk. (sorry george....she should have NEVER told you that) Come on.....that is sad. WHO wouldn't cry at THAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! (I'm crying as I type this. seriously.)

-Thinking about the many lives affected by the natural disasters happening, what seems like, daily. Japan....Raleigh....Haiti.....lives lost, homes destroyed, lives forever changed. Trying to see the Lord's purpose in it all....grappling with understanding why these things happen....holding onto to the truth that He does use all things for His glory even when it seems impossible. Do I even need to ask about who is crying????

-my work place is AWESOME! We have soooo much fun. Laughing so hard I cry. Yeppppp, happens about once a week (me brought to tears that is). Come on....we are a funny bunch!

Sometimes I wish that I didn't cry at EVERYTHING so EASILY! (I bet if I was an actor I could cry on demand.) Seriously though, sometimes it stinks. I HATE going to movies fearing that I am gonna look like a hot mess when the lights come on from all the crying. Sometimes I can't even talk because my emotions are so real. so raw. It's also hard to relate to people that don't cry. It's like we don't "get" each other. I think they are ridiculous cuz they aren't crying. They think I'm ridiculous because I cry to much and inevitably the frustration of that makes me cry. (i'm not kidding)

Other times I like that I cry. I like that I truly feel things in my core. I like that I am able to share that with most anybody....eventhough I know it makes men uncomfortable. (this is another reason why I think I am single. men just don't know what to do with a crying woman. I can't really blame them....sometimes I don't know what to do with myself either) I'm glad that I feel things, feel things sooo much that my life is altered by them. I think it makes me real. Which let's be honest, I would rather be real, transparent, and honest then being fake and seemingly ok on the outside but really dying on the inside. Who wants to feel like they are bottled up all the time? not me!

Jesus wept. (secretly my favorite verse because it makes Jesus seem more real to me then any other verse in the Bible) is that weird?

I'm a Braggin' Fool!!!

These two are sooooo near and dear to my heart!!!! I can't wait to see them very very soon!!!!

Asher & Adam

******************************************************* Adam

It's the little things....

*having time to reflect on my day during my quiet evenings at home.

*downloading then listening to new music.

*having random "dates" with friends throughout the week

*trips to Texas

*learning more about my department at work and taking on new tasks.

*The kings heart is in the hands of the Lord. He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases. Proverbs 21:1

*having friends that months go by without contact yet when the impromptu phone calls happen it's like we just talked the day before.

*calling my sis and hearing the murmurs of my new nephew Adam in the background.

*hearing my nephew Asher giggle.

*walks on the trail

*warm, sunny weather

*ice packs....have been great for my "jacked up" back

*painted toe nails

*finding a cute handbag on clearance!

*answered prayers

*laughter

*my thorns - drives me closer to Him.

*His faithfulness.

My days are full of sweet gifts from the Lord and I just wanted to take a minute to be thankful for some of them! I hope you take a second of the busyness of your day to see the Lord and all the blessings BIG and small He gives you.

Adam "Chunk" Sorensen

He is gaining weight....almost 6lbs already. Loved by his parents and BIG brother. Soon to be visited by His Aunt Manda. The lil guy is doing incredibly well and is super duper cute!!!

~Quote~

I have been reading "Voices of the Faithful" lately. It's a collection of stories from Christians all over the world. I'm sure many of you own it and have read it. There was a quote that I read several weeks ago that the Lord has been reminding me of lately: "As we prayed God did not bring immediate freedom from pain. Instead, the pain became the path by which He drew near." It later reads: "His power transforms us, resulting in a greater change than merely removing unpleasant experiences." ~Whoa!

I absolutely LOVE this quote and the godly perspective woven through the words. As I think back on times in my life that have been super difficult, it hasn't been about Him removing the circumstancs, but rather what He does in me during the circumstances. I'm sure we all have hurts, wounds, scars from circumstances we have found ourselves in. I'm sure that many times we have cried out for the Lord to rid us of the hurt and pain, wondering if He hears us, hoping for Him to show up in the midst of the pain and miraculously change the circumstance so we are left with peace, joy, and relief.

But what if He doesn't? Then what? Do we sit in the pain? Do we then travel a path of unbelief and question? Do we let anger take residence in our heart? Do we isolate ourselves from the people in our lives that love us and care for us? Does this sound familiar to anyone other than me??

Sadly, I have traveled the road mentioned above...the road that leads to ultimate disappointment. The road that leads to frustration. And sadly sometimes that is my first reaction when circumstances don't turn out to be as I had hoped. The road the Lord desires for us all is to trust Him in the midst of the pain, in the midst of the storm, in the midst of the worst possible circumstance we could ever imagine ourselves in. The road He desires for us is filled with love, compassion, grace, mercy, kindness, faithfullness, and strength. It's a road that leads us into a deeper walk with Him. A road that leads us to His Son and transforms us and molds us into His likeness. This my friends is the only road I want to be on.

Beth Moore in one of her Bible Studies says: "We are always interested in God changing our circumstances, but He is interested in changing us." If you find yourself at a crossroads....wanting to head down the road that leads to anger instead of the road that leads to the Son...your circumstances are not what you want....the pain is too much...your hope is diminishing by each tear....know that He is using it all. He is teaching you in the midst of the pain. He is being glorified in the pain. He will transform you and will use the pain for good.

I know that the process is messy and hard, but hold on strong to the promises found in His Word....He is in COMPLETE control and nothing that happens suprises Him. He will give you all you need to have joy in the midst of the pain. Hold onto Him. Trust Him even when you can't understand how. Believe Him for the healing. He won't fail you. AND He will change you.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed..........Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18

Weight Loss Journey???

I added a weight loss tracker to my blog today....but I feel like that is not a true depiction of what I want to track on this journey the Lord has me on. Yes I want to track my weight loss but I also want to track the state of my heart. (they don't make trackers for that) :) As my heart changes there are bound to be physical changes but the heart changes are what really matter. I desperately want my body to be the temple He created it to be. I want to make decisions in His strength that bring honor and glory to Him. I don't want to destroy what He has graciously given me. I want to serve Him to the best that I can and my weight has a definite effect on my ability to do so. A verse that the Lord first showed me in the Dominican has been one that I have clung to recently:

Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. - Romans: 14:20

I am on this journey with the Lord and I am experiencing such joy and peace from Him. He is showing me that through Him I can conquer this area of my life. That I can get up every day and lean on Him for wisdom in choices I make regarding food. This is such a neat thing and I am excited for all that He has shown me and will show me as I continue to seek Him.

This journey definitely is hard....I had my weigh-in tonight and was SUPER excited to step on the scale....but then the results were spoken and my heart sank. I only lost .5 pounds....and this has been the same results I have experienced the past 3 weeks. It has taken three weeks for me to lose 1.5 pounds. Do you know how FRUSTRATING that is?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? As soon as my leader told me what I had lost I quickly said "Are you KIDDING me?" I told her that I feel like I am stuck and not sure how to fix it...that I have been following the weight watchers program and am perplexed as to why I can't seem to lose more each week. I left the meeting pretty discouraged, but on my way home in my car I felt like the Lord say that He was proud of me. That He was so excited that I had another week where I looked to Him for what to eat. He whispered to me that I am on His journey He is leading me on and that is what matters.

I feel like I can so easily lose sight of Him on this journey. I can so easily forget that this journey will be the rest of my life and all He is asking me to do is take one decision at a time....leaning on Him, trusting Him to guide and direct me....and I have to trust that He is in complete control. I am so thankful that He reminded me tonight that it's about Him, not about the scale.

The tracker will be a fun way for me to visually see the changes He is making in me....I'm excited to see all the suprises He has on the bumpy and exciting ride ahead!

Fun things

This week was a week of things. What fun things, you ask. Welllllll lemme tell ya since u asked so nicely ;)

-Monday night with my gal pals Ang and Kristin. There is just something fun about sitting at Panera chatting with these women about life, food, family, hearts, etc. I really look forward to my Mondays with my gal pals.

-Thursday night dinner with my dear friends Kristen and Anthony. I just love these two. Who knew that over 6 years ago I would meet my neighbors and develop a fun friendship with two awesome people! They are a hoot and make me laugh everytime I see them!!!

-Far Out Friday!!!! Me and another girl in my office (Val) planned a 70's theme work party. It was super fun to see people dress up and bring food so we could have a slammin' salad bar and a far out time playin 70's Bingo! Fun prize give-aways, yummy food, lots of laughter, and funkadelic music made for a great office party!!! I personally think we should be the office party planning committee....yeah, Val and I were THAT good! ;)

-Saturday morning breakfast with Danielle!!! Danielle is a gal I had the pleasure of meeting 3 yrs ago when we were both in Jason & Jeanette's wedding. We became friends quick and can always have a good time catching up. It doesn't matter how many months go by between visits, we chat it up like we just saw each other. It's fun to learn all about what the Lord has been doing in her life and she is just a joy to spend time with. If I have one complaint it's that we waited sooooo long to catch up.....let's get together soon friend!!! love ya!

-Saturday night.....It's Final Four Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE me some basketball!!!! March Madness is my favorite time of year. I'm cheering for either VCU or Butler to win it all!!! The only thing that is sad is that in just 2 short days basketball will be over and I have to wait another year for the fun to come back.

-My new nephew, Adam Kristian, got to leave the hospital on Thursday!!!! That is awesome considering he decided he wanted to join us about 6 weeks early. He is doing great, Reba and the gang are doing great! Can't wait to see him soon!

What a super fun week of connecting with people I love, seeing God move in HUGE ways, and enjoying the time He has chosen to bless me with. Hoping that this week has more fun in store!