Waste of Space

OH MY SOUL!!!!! soooooooo, i really, really, really need to apologize first and foremost for the words that are eventually gonna be typed. I am sure that the length of this could be ridiculously long and the content may not be suitable for adults. If I knew how to add a pic in a blog, I soooo would put a HUGE warning label riiiiiiiiiight about here * *
So first I need to do some rebuking to all of u myspace friends out there in cyberspace...not ONE of u has asked me about my weight loss goals and therefore I hold u solely responsible for my lack of discipline in eating and exercising! Shame on you!! No comments asking how I'm doing! No accountability, no nothing! How could u let me down!! OK....wellllllllll I guess there is a small part of me that is responsible, but just a tiny tiny part!! OK who am I kidding.....I'm a waste of space on this earth! I have not done anything to get healthy, I've done nothing to get this area of my life under control. UGHH!! Ok well no nothing exactly! I did purchase a pair of running shoes a month ago cuz they were pretty spiffy and were only $25 on clearance! Unheard of, I know!! Sooooo, I thought to myself, that I had better "break them in" before heading out to the track to avoid getting blisters so I decided that I would wear them around the house for a few days. Yeah, well I have been well on my way to no blister action for about a month and have yet to make it to the track with those puppies on my feet! again, ugh!! So basically I bought a great pair of running shoes to wear and look cute in, in my house. What kinda sense does that make?? I EVEN bought new running socks, again, to avoid blisters. Why have I worn them in the house toooooo???? Seriously, I'm a giant waste of space on this planet!!!
I have also come to the conclusion that I have a ridiculous reason for being afraid of losing weight! yes, that's right I am afraid to lose weight! I think there is something seriously disturbing about that! I have these irrational fears about losing weight and it's like they are restraining me from even trying. Do I have a desire to lose weight? yes! Do I have a desire to get healthy? absolutely! Do I have a heart that wants to honor the Lord with what I do to my body, his temple? I mean, of course I do!!! Soooo what is the stinkin' problem then????? I'm just super afraid of not being able to trust that people really like me for who I am and not what I look like! See if I am fat and people like me, well it's cuz they see my heart under all the junk. BUT if I am skinny and people like me, well it could just be because they think I'm hott. WHICH I WILL BE WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT!!!! **ok, so i have NO confidence, I just hope that I could be hott** (I'm really not serious, for those of u who don't know me)
Isn't that thought process beyond ridiculous?!?!?! BUT the reality is I wake up everyday and think to myself that it is somewhat easier to hide behind my weight so that I don't have to wonder if people really accept me for me. It's a weird sense of security. Again, I will be the first and last to tell you how ridiculous my thought process is!!! It's where I am at, what else can I say?? Does anyone else know where I am coming from??? What's funny is, I also wake up everyday unhappy about what I look like and what I am continually doing to my body by not taking care of it! You know how there are some people out there that embrace their genetics and are content and happy to be who they are and look how they look. I am NOT THAT girl. In my mind and how I feel inside I know that my outsides and my insides don't match! I am a skinny girl inside and hate that everyone else sees the fat girl on the outside.
Can anyone else out there relate to my ridiculous thought process?? I'm sure that most of the people who are reading these very vulnerable words are clueless as to how I feel and they think I have officially lost it! I also just need to mention that it took a lot for me to even type this cuz it's an area of my life that i tend to hide behind and pretend doesn't exist. BUT the longer I hide the more weight I gain and the less and less I'm motivated to change. Soooo in a sense, me being vulnerable I think is the 1st step to changing. Does that make sense?? PLUS, u can alllllll see me so u are very much aware of this issue in my life. You can't help but notice! Funny, the more I try to hide the bigger i get?!?!? seriously, what sense does that make???????
Baby steps....I am taking steps of action to get help in this area of my life! And I have to admit that watching the biggest loser is one of those steps!! ha ha! ok seriously....stop laughing!! STOP!! Do u know how motivating it is to see people lose weight??? I mean, my goal is not to lose 20 pounds in a week cuz i don't think it's healthy, but it is sooo encouraging to see others struggle and fight the battle and succeed. AND i am having accountablitly with my gal pay gin...and this is something really cool that i have decided to do. I have a friend that is struggling with getting back into going to church and her walk with the Lord. BUT she is like an exercise nazi!! sooooo i made her a deal, I exercise regularly with her, she comes to church with me!!! how grrrrrreat is that!!!! AND she is totally stoked about it! I love, love, love how the Lord is using this junky area in my life in more ways that I even realize.
OK enough about THAT....I had an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G weekend. Two of my wonderful friends from college married each other! Yeah, charles and aja!!! Let's just say that this has been in the works since january 1998! I witnessed 2 people who sought after the Lord individually, faithfully pursuing Him, be joined together in marriage! One word.....INCREDIBLE!! Their story reminds me just how faithful the Lord is to us! Even when we mess up He is faithful! AND GOOOOOOODNESSS, do I mess up ALOT!!! The theme of my life the past 3 weeks has been "why do i do want i don't wanna do??" Paul and I would be like best buds, cuz i am soooo much like him!! I desire to be a woman of character, patience, contentment, holiness, godliness, etc. Why then do I do things that don't reflect those desires???? I just hope and pray that the Lord will be gracious to me!!! I see this in a lot of areas in my life and I hate it!!! again, UGHHHHHH!!!!! I'm a work in progress....
The Lord is teaching me A LOT right now....I think I am in a season of just soaking it alllllll in. I feel like I am a huge spoonge! Praises!!!! I wanna know the Lord more, I wanna experience Him more, I wanna grow like a weed because of what He is showing me and teaching me and how He desires to change and transform me!!!! It is hard but wonderful all at the same time!!! I wanna love Him more!!
That's it....I have wasted toooo much of your time already! By the way, I am reading this CS Lewis book...anyone else ever read it?? If so, what did u think? So far I like it, but I just started reading it!