Thank You Tenth Avenue North

'Times'

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
and I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You
All that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
or can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending
What I've become
What have I become?

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (x4)

I hear You say My love is over,
It's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend"

Well My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between,
These times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm

it's not all bad ;)

I realized after reading the blog I just posted that it appeared that i have been having a horrible few months.  not true....they have been hard, but not horrible.  Here are some fun things that have been happening in this crazy, silly, single gal's life:

-spending time with wonderful friends
-conversations over yummy panera beverages
-planning the AMAZING road trip that will be taking place in 2 short months with the crazy friends that are moving me.  I am soooo blessed to have them in my life.  It's not everyday you meet people that are willing to drive a uhaul for me or join me in my car for a 23 hour car ride.  It's gonna be a fun road trip for me and the three j's!!!!!!  (Jason, Jeanette, & Jessica)  Are you sure you all wanna do this?!?!?!?  it's not too late to back out!  ;)
-learning how to knit.  yep....i have made some rockin dish cloths.  don't be jealous.  ;)
-listening to a Beth Moore sermon series that is rockin my face off.  She may be a tad too "southern bell" for me at times, but man does she know the Word!

Welp, it's not much, but I would say that I am truly blessed!!!  Starting over is looking good but it's bittersweet at the same time.  :)

Oh and this video is HILARIOUS....makes me laugh out loud EVERY time I watch it.  Enjoy!!

2 months & ickiness

Whoa.  So this whole moving thing is like really happening.  Like really really happening.  I have been busy packing and labeling like the organized dork I am.  Color coding things should be a spiritual gift :)  I still have no news on the job front or the house front, but I am trusting the Lord to provide for the following things:

-a job where I can be a light for Him
-a job where i can continue paying off my grown-up debt (stupid car & education)  ;)
-a house near my sister's neightborhood that has the following:  rent for a max of $1,000.  storage (mainly cuz i have a lot of Christmas decorations that i can't part ways with just yet).  a porch.  a driveway would be nice.  and that is surrounded by wonderful neighbors that I can love.  and one that we can move into on April 29.

I don't think it's much to ask for, but I am trusting that the Lord will provide for Jill and I's every need.  He knows the house He has for us, and I will just keep praying and trusting.  Even in the midst of ALL the unanswered questions He is continually giving me moments of peace!  My emotions get a lil outta whack every now and again, but mostly I am trusting Him with all the questions and unknowns.

So these past few months have been really hard for me.  I have been dealing with some sin and anger.  I feel icky just thinking about it.  I just realize how my sin affects those around me....how hurtful I can be even when it's not my intention and especially when it is my intention.  (see, ickiness)  :(  I don't know what has been happening in my heart, but it's like I have lost focus on what matters.  I have gotten sucked into worldy views all the while knowing that I don't agree, but not being bold enough to stand up for truth.  To be honest I am surprised by that....I thought I was stronger than that, wiser than that, for lack of a better word, better than that.

It's been a HUGE wake up call for me....even in my silence because I have not stood up for truth when I should have, I have hurt people around me.   I let myself down and I have not glorified the Lord.  I think after realizing this, being smacked in the face with conviction, I have tried to "make things right" with those that I have hurt.  I have confessed confessed and confessed and apologized apologized and apologized.  What saddens me the most is that people don't understand me now that I am not being silent anymore, now that I am makine decisions that do bring the Lord glory, now that I am standing up for truth.  The reaction that I have received for the most part appear to me more judgement than understanding.  See ickiness.  My sin sucks and it hurts those around me and then it makes me sad that I have the power to cause others pain.  I have often said that I am ok with being hurt....I will get over it, I always have and will, but to know that I caused hurt for other people, well that is something I can't deal with.  It's too painful.  I hate that I have the ability to hurt people.

The Lord has been lavishing me with love and grace these past several weeks....once the conviction smack occurred and my actions changed.  :)  He is healing hurt that occurred and disciplining me so that the sin is not a repeat event....that I am being transformed as a result of His work in me through the junk.  Refiners Fire.  My hearts one desire.  Is to be holy.  Set apart for you, Lord.  I choose to be holy.

Life is full of laughter

A week ago I was given an early going away gift from some of my co-workers.  The reason it was early was due to the fact that one of the gift givers was leaving for another job.  Please enjoy the gift and video!  (sorry i tried to directly link those on this blog, but blogger wasn't working) 

3 1/2 months....

Pretty soon Texas will be home!  I am super excited about "starting over" in a new place, meeting new people, joining a new church family, connecting with family and old friends....YAY!!!!!  The plan is to me there by the start of May, unless there is a job that opens up beforehand (realistically trying to find a job outta state has proven to be a tad more difficult that I had originally anticipated so I'm thinking it will not be before May)  I am in a position where I am praying and hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst.

The past few weeks have been really discouraging...getting rejection e-mails from job after job, having doubting people question my decision, focusing on emotions and not leaning on His truths, but when it's all said and done, I have no choice but to walk in faith trusting Him along the way.  To some people it may seem to be foolishness, but in my heart I know it's obedience. 

I have thought about situations I have found myself in over the past several years.  Raising support when I was on staff with Campus Crusade....I thought it would never come in yet I found myself moving to WV to do college ministry.  The Lord had provided for what He had called me to do.  When I knew I was leaving the Ranch and was about to be carless and jobless, He provided above and beyond.  A fixed car and a new job, health benefits, retirement package etc.  When I decided to live in the DR for 3 months.  He provided above and beyond the amount of support needed for the trip and then on top of that blessed me with a job that remained when I returned back from the DR.

Time and time again I have seen the Lord provide in abundance when I have willingly submitted to what He was calling me to do.  I hate that I have moments of doubt.  I don't like that I struggle in trusting Him to provide for my every need.  I often wonder if He thinks, what more do I have to do to show her that I am trustworthy?  When will she realize that she is not in control?  When will she release her life completely so that she can walk serving Me in full confidence that I will meet all her needs according to My will for her life?  When will she fully and completely let go?

Good thing this a journey, and there is grace.....cuz this girl surely needs it, a lot of it.  My personal hope for 2012 is that it would be a year of new beginnings.  Not just in relocating, but spiritually as well.  I want to continue to grow in my walk with my Savior.  I want to learn to trust wholy and completely, and to fall more in love with Jesus...in ways that I haven't yet.

Had a good reminder this week from an old friend....the thing that matters the most is my relationship with Him.  As long as I abide in Him, and walk by faith knowing my Savior, then all else falls away. The details of the move, the many unknowns, they don't matter.  What matters is that I know Jesus and I long for others to know Him, and I love Him and others because of His love for me.  The end.  :)

Eucharisteo

A believe that the Lord orchestrates beautiful things to take place in our life...things that at the moment seem ordinary but oh how He will turn the ordinary moments into life-changing, Jesus-filled, joy moments where we realize that our life will forever be changed. I had one of those moments this past Friday. I was driving around town and ended up meeting with my sweet friend Dawn at Target because she was braving the crazy Black Friday crowds to get some much needed winter gear for her kiddos. This was not a planned time together, but a decsion made kind of on a whim. I joined her as she was crossing things off her list...our Target trip was full of good conversation and laughter. I love this woman so much! She is such a joy in my life and I respect her for the way she lives out the Gospel daily.

As we were walking around chatting she mentioned a book that she read that changed her life. Now when Dawn say something has changed her life I listen, and listen quickly! She starts telling me about the book - 'One Thousand Gifts'. As she is talking about it she gets so super excited and decides that she is going to buy me the book. Well what a blessing that book has been in the past 5 days of my life. It's all about Eucharisteo - giving thanks. This "ordinary" woman is being used by the Lord to change thousands of people's lives/hearts by simply practicing Eucharisteo. She started making a list of 1,000 things in her daily life that she is thankful for. Once she hit 1,000 she didn't stop, but continued on daily giving thanks for the Lord's blessings in her life and as a result she is experiencing living a full satisfied life in Christ, not wishing and wanting for something other than what she has. To find joy and thanksgiving in the "boring, mundane, or pain" is the key to living a grace-filled life. A life that honors the Lord.  She found that starting a habit of practicing thanksgiving was like a nail driving out the old habits of self doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, and discontment.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I am only about halfway through this book, but I am starting my list of 1,000 gifts:

 

1. Redemption in Loss.

  

Let me explain. My sister and I growing up didn't have a great relationship. (that is putting it mildy actually) It was a relationship that didn't seem to have much hope in it. I always kind of felt like our relationship was doomed from the beginning and it would remain as it began. Well wasn't I quite wrong. Things changed a little when she went off to college and I remained at home for my senior year of high school, then that was followed by a little bit more positive change as I went off to college. Hints of the past would creep in when we would be at home for the holidays, but there were longer breaks in between the hurtful times. Then enter the passing of our mom. I never imagined being able to see good in such an awful time in my life. Losing my mom is like a gaping wound that never heals. It has gotten smaller over the years, but it still hurts some days as if it happened yesterday.

Enter the redemption in loss. My relationship with my dear sister Becky has been redeemed. We have gotten closer the past 7 years...both fully experiencing loss that I don't think we ever thought we would have to face this early in our lives. A loss that has inevitably drawn us closer to one another.  Then enter Asher and Adam. What a joy my nephews are! Since they have been born I feel a tug on my heart to "do" more for Becky. Mom would have moved to Texas by now to be closer to Becky and the boys and it breaks my heart that my sis had to have some of the most amazing days in her life occur without mom being there to be her biggest cheerleader. I know I can never be in my becky's life as mom would have, but I love her so much that I want to be someone in her life that will encourage her, help her, cheer her on in her achievements, and not just be her sister but her friend too.   This also spurs me onto being in the kids daily life.

Losing mom has been the most hurtful thing I have ever had to experience, but seeing the development of my relationship with Becky since then has been a rainbow in the midst of a storm. So Becky, I am very thankful for you, for the past few years that we have grown closer and I look forward to many more years seeing our relationship grow! You are such a joy in my life and I am incredibly thankful for you.


 

Redemption in Loss. Such a BEAUTIFUL thing.

Clinging to the Cross

Simply to the cross I cling. Letting go of all earthly things. I'm clingy to the cross. Mercy's found a way for me, hope is here as I am free. Jesus You are all I need, I'm clinging to the cross.

This is the chorus that played over and over as I took a prayer drive this past Sunday all around Morgantown. Prayer drive, you ask? Yes, a prayer drive. I felt led to drive all over Morgantown and pray as the Lord led me to pray. It was one of the best afternoons I have had in a very long time. As I passed the hopsitals and prayed for the patients and family members visiting the patients, and as I drove down the street that is lined with bars and crazy college students the chorus above played over and over again.

Driving past old churches that I have attended, apartments of my first and only ex-boyfriend, the place I drove to after I left the hospital the night after my mom passed away, and past the homes of all the friends I have made over the years I was reminded of His faithfulness, His love, His grace, and His joy. Praying for the ones that have wounded me...praying for the ones I have wounded. Praying for the ambulance as it sped past me with it's lights glaring. Praying for my future. Praying truths from His Word. Praying over the Crusade office, the Ranch, praying for all the amazing people who are serving the Lord so that He will transform Morgantown into a place of hope....

As I drove and drove and prayed and prayed constantly listening to the words above...how amazing is our life when we are clinging to the cross. How amazing is life when we are abiding in Him, immersed in His Word, looking for Him to move and work in every detail of our day. How amazing life is knowing that no matter what the minutes will bring, the pain ahead on the path He has planned for us, He is enough. No matter what mistakes we have made His grace is sufficient. His love is enough. His mercy is enough.

Jesus, You ARE all I need.

focusing on the pigs

Mark 5:1-20 The Healing of the Demon-possessed Man

Not cliffnotes, but Amanda notes: Jesus comands evil spirits to come out of a man, they then enter 2,000 pigs and lead the pigs to their death, drowing them in a lake near by. As people witness this miracle, they were afraid and asked Jesus to leave.

I have heard a few sermons in my day about these verses but the focus has always been on the demon-possessed man and the miracle that Jesus performed in his life. After He performs the miracle, He comands the man to share with others what He did, so that others will believe in Him. The emphasis has been on the man being commanded to share his story, to tell others of the mercy and love of Jesus. This emphasis is important and I don't mean to minimalize it, however that is not what strikes me in this story.

I think the reason is three-fold:

1. I have ALWAYS seen the importance of sharing my story with others. It's actually my favorite thing to tell people because I love using personal stories to relate to others. I guess you can say I value that aspect of building relationships with others.

2. I think that this lesson is very obvious to the reader, Jesus's teaching was very apparent in this chunk of scripture.

3. Timing is everything and I think I needed to see an additional lesson these verses emphasize. (isn't that the great thing about the Lord! He has timely lessons for us as He is working in our lives and that His truths are even in the shortest of verses!)

What strikes me is the response of the people that witnessed the miracle. They focused on the pigs....they missed it. They missed seeing mercy and love that occurred right in front of their faces! They missed the bigger picture because they were distracted by the pigs. The pigs represent a loss, a worldy and financial loss. It is clear to me what their hearts were focused on.

That resonates soooooo much in me.....makes me realize just how much i miss when my heart is focused on worldy things. I miss what He is doing in and through me when it is right in front of my face! I am distracted by unmet desires. being busy and selfish with my time. being lazy and not in the Word as much as He desires for me to be. not giving up desires that may not be of the Lord. Struggling with finding my security in other things then the Lord.....etc etc.

Going back to a more obvious lesson of these verses..sharing what He has done and is doing in our lives. If we are focusing on the "pigs" and not on Him how can we even be active in sharing what He is doing when we are too distracted to see it....Whoa! Makes ya think doesn't it? Makes me think. I pray that my focus would not be on the "pigs" but on our Maker!

A lil of this, a lil of that

well goodness....has it really been almost a WHOLE month since my last post? how does that happen??? Time sure does FLY by, whoa nelly!

Work has still been going great! It's always a good sign when you wake up early in the mornings excited for your work day to start. I think the reason that I have mentioned this numerous times is that I never ever thought I would enjoy a "non-ministry" position before. Now don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the path the Lord has been leading me on the past several years, but I think I was always a little scared to have a "non-ministry" position....I thought maybe I wouldn't be a "good" Christian in that environment. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I am excited to see that the Lord uses me in every situation He places me in. It's not about being a "good" Christian, it's about being a Christ follower.

Exercise? So I am gonna start training for another 5K. Rail Trail, here I come!!!!!! ooooh and I was thinking about buying a mountain bike. Anybody out there wanna help me get a good one??? (Jeanette....I mean u, when I say anybody! Let's go get me a bike soon. k?) I am just hoping for a few things:

1. I want my bike to be purple. yes, purple. don't judge....
2. That I won't look like a complete dweeb in a helmet.
3. That I can buy a BIG seat for my not so small bottom. I do hope that the riding of the bike will make my bottom smaller. :)
4. Did I mention that I want a purple one? just checking.....

Switching gears - I am currently in TEXAS!!!!! I have had the joy of meeting precious Adam for the first time. Cuddle time with him has been pretty sweet. I have also had the joy of playing with giggly Asher. Oh my stars is he a cutie!!!! Here are some pics.....enjoy.

It has been good to be here with the kiddos, Peter, and Reba. Part of me is excited to get back home and then another part of me wants to move here. sigh. welp, that's it for now.....

work

uhhhhh, so just a lil over a week ago i blogged about tears. seems that my tear ducts are functioning well...too well infact. Today, I started crying at work. yes, at work. Me and my friend Val work in the same department. The two of us plus our supervisor make up our department. The three of us work really well together and have loads of fun. Our supervisor is always telling us how much we resemble her daughters....it's like she is our psuedo mom.

Val and I decided we were going to get our supervisor a gift for Mother's Day cuz she is always making comments about her being our mom at work. Val and I have lots in common, but one thing is that we both lost our moms. As we were discussing what we were gonna do for the gifts, I started tearing up....looked at Val and then she yelled "stop" and then she started to tear up. AT. WORK.

Sigh.....

Usually I am crying at work when I laugh extremely hard. (this does occur often!)

It's soooo funny to me to think back when I was looking for jobs a few summers ago...I found this job by looking in the classified ads in the newspaper. Honestly, I only applied for the job because it said you had to be able to lift up to 50lbs, and well I am burly, so I figured I could do it. ;) Then once I got hired I kinda thought it was an undercover terrorists thingy. (The first position I had was shipping items overseas on a daily basis, thus proving my terrorist theory wasn't completely off track) hehehehehehehehehehe

I really just took the job because I needed one. I never could have anticpiated how much I would gain from working there. yes, like every work expereience there are good and bad things, however my experience has been predominantly a good one. It has been my first experience working in a non-mininstry position (although i view it as my ministry). I never could have imagined that I would still be working there, in a completely different department, and really enjoying it. I have met wonderful people there. People that make me laugh, that encourage me, that pray for me, that challenge me, that frustrate me (as I frustrate others too I'm sure), and that make me want to be better.

I feel like I have learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses and am trying to take every opportunity while there to continue to build on my strengths, and work on my weaknesses. I look forward to going to work every day, laughing with my co-workers, and serving the Lord in the administrative position He chose to bless me with. I consider this job a gift as well as the relationships/friendships I have made there. He knew what He was doing when He led me to that classified ad. I LOVE that He knows what is our best even if it doesn't appear to make sense to us. I LOVE that He uses everthing for His Glory...I LOVE that I am blessed to be a small part of His BIG plan. He chose to give me life, to place me in the position He prepared me for, and will continue to lead and guide me accordingly to His plan! Soooooo thankful for Him and the many joys and blessings I get to experience on a daily basis.