a lil vulnerability...

*sigh*

so the past week or so I have been catching up on my friends lives by reading blog posts, checking out photo albums on facebook, looking at the many status updates, e-mails, etc.etc. There has been a common theme in my response...

*sigh*

my response has been disappointment and frustration and a lot of sadness. it stinks that my heart is soooo wicked and it stinks that i have thoughts and feelings towards those i love. i look at the many pics of my friends and their special someone and then move on to the pics of their beautiful kiddos...this is where the battle in my heart begins. I sooo desperately want to be joyful for them. I want to leave fun comments about how fun it is that they went here and there with so and so and that their lil one is growing and changing and looking cute as ever, and then i even try to rejoice with all the new babies being born...there are MANY...but I often leave my internet updates very discouraged and angry. I HATE THAT!!!!

Seee, all of you out there have what my heart longs for the most in this life. I desire to love and serve alongside that special someone, i long to change diapers and rock a lil one that i helped create to sleep...but alas, i am left to come home to an empty cold house like i have done for now over 30 years.

Even as I admit this, I know I will get responses like "God's timing is perfect" and "don't waste your singleness, it's a gift" and I KNOW I will get "Changing diapers is hard and not always fun" blah blah blah....I know that there is truth in all of those and the many more statements I have heard many many times, yet the ache is my heart has not lessened. I know that marriage and having children is the most difficult tasks we receive on this earth, but I also can see in the many examples in front of my face how much they are a blessing too.

I don't know...I'm just frustrated at not having what I feel like I was made for...frustrated that "everyone else" has it and doesn't always appreciate it...frustrated frustrated frustrated at myself because I don't trust the Lord in these areas of my life...frustrated that I can't always 100% rejoice with my dear sisters who have the things I long for. (even if they are currently getting karate chopped on their bladder!) i'm just frustrated that I am frustrated....

*sigh*

in my mind there is no end in sight...

How CUTE is he?!?!?!?!?!

I couldn't resist....

Asher

I know i am a lil biased, but seriously people....u just don't get any cuter than this!

i'm baaaaaack....

whoa nelly....i haven't blogged since september. where have i been from the world of blogging?? I don't even know if I know the answer to that question. Welp, here some tidbits about yours truly that should catch you up to speed.

*started a new j-o-b. I laugh A LOT when I am there, so that makes the days pretty enjoyable. I actually have been really blessed with the position I have and have met some pretty hip people.

*went to the Dominican Republic over Thanksgiving to continue working on the feeding center that Crossroads Church has committed to build in Batey Cuchillo. It was an awesome trip. I love that I feel like the Dominicans are my family and I theirs. What a blessing and privilege it was loving and serving them over a difficult holiday season.

*November 24th marked the 5 yr. anniversary of my mothers death. The Lord reminded me of some precious truths that day while I was in the Dominican. He has given me several opportunities on days that remind me of my mom to look outwards instead of sulk in my grief and sadness. I desire to honor my mom on those days and serve others. What a cool gift that was to learn that in a deeper way!!!

*Christmas in PA was fun. Always a j-o-y to see family!

*This winter has been super dreadful...I can't ever remember a winter quite like this one in such a long time. Certainly not since I moved to WV. Snow Snow Snow....I'm very much looking forward to spring!!!

*Made a surprise visit to see Becky, Peter and Asher for his 1st Birthday Party!!!! How fun to see my sister shocked that I was in TX and what a joy it was to have some Aunt Manda and Asher time. I need more of that.....

AND some BIG BIG BIG changes will be happening in the next few months....more to come, more. to. come.

Welp, that has been my life in a nutshell...more blogs on a regular basis will happen.

i did it, i REALLY did it....

welp, i finally finished my application for the internship to the Dominican. AND i sent it in!!!!!! Time will tell...I should hear from them in another week or two for an interview. THEN I'll just wait and see what the Lord has in store. It's funny...everyone keeps telling me that I am in such a fun, exciting place. that I have my WHOLE life in front of me. that they are soooo excited to see what the Lord's plan is. It's like they are having sooo much joy in my circumstances. I wish that I was feeling the same way. I am scared OUT MY MIND! I am wishing that I was married and had kids so my life would be settled and decided. I'm so tired of making decisions. I'm just ready for something other than the single life. (i know...i know....if i ever do get married and have kids i will be reminded of this blog several times by y'all!) It just seems like I go in one direction after another only to find out that it's not the best fit. WHEN will I ever find the right fit???? I want so desperately to serve Him in all that I do...but I want to do so exactly where HE desires....ugh!

enough of my whining....

onto better news:

I finally did it...I completed my first 5K. Now, don't get me wrong when I say completed I mean, 1. I finished before dying. 2. I did it within 24 hours. 3. I did have to run/walk it. 4. but I did indeed cross that stupid finish line!

I had so much support in this goal and am sooo thankful for everyone who cheered me on in my training and at the race. And I seriously couldn't have done it without the Lord. He is the center of thislifechange that I have been experiencing and He is what continue to drive and motivate me! I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me. Even complete a 5k!

AND i am officially OLD. yes folks, I turned the BIG 30 a few weeks ago. It's all downhill I guess! ;) Jusssssssssst kidding!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK, the moment i have been waiting for has come and I'm frieking out a lil....hence the title of this post. :)

I just got the internship application for G.O. Ministries....that mean i have to fill it out....that means I have to pursue this path....that means i have to take a step into the unknown....that means i have to take this grip i have on my life off....that means i have to surrender....that means that this could change my life.....

NOW do u understand why I am a lil frieked out????

please pray for me as I take this next step in this faith journey the Lord has me on. If I get accepted, that means I go to the DR. (scary option #1) If I don't get accepted that means I probably leave WV. (scary option #2) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

please pray. the end.

Have you Ever Wondered....

who puts together the items you order from an online purchase?

Well folks, I no longer wonder who together the orders from AACE International 's online orders...cuzzzzz it's me!

yesssss, it's true...I am a customer service representative for AACE International. I package things, UPS things, put cd cases together, print labels, sorth the mail, answer the phone, and route the incoming calls, and occasionally get drinks from the water cooler. AND i sit in a cubicle! I feel like my life is like an episode of the office except it isn't nearly as funny...atleast not yet!

To be honest, when I think of where my life is right now, I don't like it. BUT I am trying to look at all the positives of a less than ideal situation. Here they are: I have a job and didn't miss ONE day of work in the transition period. (have u all been paying attention to the news reports that daily descibe how the unemployment rate keeps getting higher across the nation???) Eventhough I am not entirely crazy about my job, the Lord has provided me with one! That's amazing!!!!! When I think about that, I think how incredibly blessed I truly am to even have employment! Another positive is that I now have medical insurance. WAAWHOOO!!! And that means I can get my wisdom teeth removed AND a new pair of glasses! (My current pair of glasses have been super glued 6 times now!) Another blessing!

And there is still that hope that the people in my office will gradually morph into the characters on the show 'the office' and then i would be THRILLED!!!!! :)

Until then, I will proudly answer the phone and packages Cost Estimating materials because I know that the Lord has me where He wants me and I can rest in that, and in that alone! Like I have been saying, I am on an AMAZING journey with twists, turns, and surprises and I am ready for what's next! I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store during this season of my life and the many more seasons coming up ahead!

And the JOURNEY begins...

Never once did I picture my life to be what it has indeed ended up being. Everything to who I am, where I live, who has passed on from their time on earth, to my current lifestage...if you would have asked me 10 years ago I'm sure the picture I would have painted for myself would look nothing like what it has ended up being. This is a good thing and a bad thing.

The past 4 months of my life have been nothing but BIG CHANGES! Change of job...change of physical appearance and health...change in my heart...change in where the Lord is calling me to serve...Change, Change, Change. Again, this is a good thing and bad thing.

As I reflect, which I tend to do A LOT, I think about who I want to become versus who I am. I look at the sin in my life and LONG for it to not be there. I desperately want to be rid of all the evil and junk that is in me...that directs my actions and words...i want it GONE...OUTTA HERE...C U LATER ALLIGATOR! BUT I don't want to miss out on the process of Him ridding me of the wickedness in me. I don't want to miss out on who He is and what I will gain from being in the process. As I think about such things I look at the CHANGES that have been happening and I know that they are a part of this process. I know that I am on an incredible journey and I know that the end result will be for His glory!

I just ended my last day working for the Ranch. I NEVER thought that day would come. It did...it's bittersweet. BUT I can't help but be excited for this next chapter in my life. I get excited at the thought of possibly living in another country, loving the Lord and loving people. I get goosebumps at the thought of how much I will change and how much I will learn about Him through this process. I cry in joy at the anticipation of leaving a lasting impact on people's hearts for Him for eternity!

I just reread this and realized that this blog is BEYOND random...but I'm gonna leave it as is...It's what I am thinking and feeling at the moment. Enjoy! (If it makes sense! ha!)

God is in the details

So I'm driving down I68 last Saturday evening, after a FANTASTIC visit with some ol' college gal pals that I hadn't see in years. Like most of my roadtrips, I am jammin' to some tunes in my ghetto cruiser thinking about life, the Lord, u know...typical things u think about when on a mini road trip. At some point in my trip I talk to my friend Liz on the phone and she preceeds to tell me that she is indeed pregnant! I think I screamed several times out of my excitement for her and Nate. I give that lil detail because I am EXTREMELY happy for them and to say that because I was focused on our convo, i was not focused on where I was on my trip home.

Somewhere in MD, I notice that ghetto crusier is actin' up...her engine keeps revvvvvin' like she's not in gear, but she is definitely in 5th gear, she starts smellin' HOTT, and she decided she is gonna decrease in speed. She gets to the point where she doesn't seem to be actin' like she is gonna be able to keep drivin', so I pull of the side of the road to try to figure out what to do. TWO problems: 1) I don't know where I am, mainly because i was too busy screaming in excitement because of the baby news I had received and 2) I don't have cell phone reception where I pulled off the road. Yepppp...bad combination!

So after leavin' my car in neutral for a few minutes, I decide to try to get back on the road because I need to figure out where I am, and I also need to have phone reception. So I put my car in 1st gear, press on the gas and yes folks, i go BACKWARDS! ummmm, clearly that is not the direction I need to be going. I think this is when I may have had a tear in my eye, but also I couldn't help but laugh. Just like ghetto cruiser! She never seems to do what a normal car is supposed to do. So, I try again, and I continue to go backwards. The humor is steadily decreasing at this point. I then think to myself, I'm just gonna GUN it in hopes that I will get going forward enough that I can maybe coast up the mountain I was on. (Do u sense my sarcasm??) I gunnned it, ended up making forward progress, go about 25-30 mph at maximum speed and end up going about another mile on the road. THEN the my speedometer goes very quickly to 0, so I am helpless yet again and pull off the side of the road. As I am on the side of the road for a second time, I look up and see a roadsign 100 feet in front of me telling me that the next exit is 2 miles ahead. YESSSSSSSSS! I know where I am. I then check my phone....I HAVE RECEPTION!!! Are you beginning to see how He is in the details????

After several attempts at trying to get ghetto cruiser in another forward motion, but went backwards yet again, i decide that I need to start trying to call someone. I call about 6 people that I think can help, and NO ONE answers the phone. I finally get ahold of my pastor who is now attempting to get me help, as well as one of my college friends that I met up with. THEN about 5 minutes after I had gotten stranded, a cop pulled a car over for speeding right across the median about 500 feet in front of me! R U KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! I'm still freaking out because I have NO IDEA what to do, it's dark, I'm stranded atleast 50 miles away from home, but I was NEVER alone because of the cop. Yet, another God in the details thing!

After my pastor's work and my friends work to get the cop informed of my situation, he finishes up with the other car and then swings on over to where me and ghetto cruiser are just chillin'. He graciousy offered to call a tow truck for me and to stay with me until the tow truck comes...seee, never alone! I then call my AAA # to see what kind of coverage I have (Need to thank Ken Hildebran...my pops...for persuading me to pay the $ to have a AAA membership...thanks DAD!!!) My coverage is the one where u can get towed up to 100 miles without getting charged....R U KIDDING ME! Soooo, that means, my car can get towed all the way back to Morgantown and I don't have to pay a dime!

Hold on folks...it keeps getting better!

Soo, the tow truck guy, Robert was his name, shows up. Ghetto Crusier and I part ways. She on the bed of the truck, me chillin' in the front with Robert. Robert at this point doesn't seem too excited to be taking me and my car 55 miles to wv, but I still try to make small talk. Robert is not excited about that either! At some point Steve, my boss, calls and I must have said something that triggered Roberts attention because as soon as I got off the phone he turns to me and says "Are u a Chrisitian?" I respond "I sure am". Through our conversation, I find out that he had been looking for way to get back to Morgantown, because his wife almost died and was in a hospital there. He had to work all day and wanted to be with her but couldn't so when he got the call that someone needed a ride there he knew it was his chance to be with his wife. Again, R U KIDDING ME??????

I ended up asking him if there was anything i could do for him or his wife...if they needed anything...etc etc. He then asked if I could get his wife a book and I asked what her name was and what room she was in. So I got all that info and knew that I was supposed to do that for her and him. We had a good conversation the rest of the way back to Morgantown...he dropped me and my car off and went on his merry way.

I get home and start immediately worrying about my car...how am I gonna get from here to there without one. How am I gonna pay for it. I knew that I had NO $ except for one check that I hadn't given yet, but I had already written it out. It was my tithe check to the church. I tried to jusitfy why I should keep it because then I would atleast have that amount of money in my account to get me through the next week or so. I couldn't sleep because I kept debating about what to do with that $. Sunday morning rolls around...the offering basket is being passed...I start crying because I know that I am supposed to put my check in the offering basket, but I know if I do I have $6.45 in my account. Maybe this would be a good time to mention that in 6 days I am jobless...incomeless...carless...etc. So, can u understand why I didn't want to put that check in the offering????? I knew what I needed to do, so I did it. I put the check in the offering. I think more tears came.

I am leaving the church after the message. (the pastor had mentioned my situation during the message so people kinda knew what was going on) A person in the church offered to let me use their car while mine was getting fixed. R U KIDDING ME??? THEN another person in the church hands me a check to help with the car expense. (I'm realizing how VERY LONG this blog is getting so I am leaving out some details and mini God moments along the way...but believe me there is soooo much more I could type!)

I call the car place on Monday morning to get an estimate. It is gonna cost $300 more than what I had to fix it. Again, do I need to mention the fact that I didn't have the $ to fix it, I will be jobless in 6 days, and I am completely and utterly helpless. The next day, another person from the church calls me to get an update on my situation...later that evening I had the additional money to pay for my car to get repaired and some $ for groceries. WHAT????

I can't begin to tell you just what has been going on in my heart the past few days...it's been a rollercoaster of emotions...I have other decisions in my life occuring at the same time that I think He is using this to speak into and that's SCARY....but I know that I know that I know without a doubt that He is my provider. That He is beyond faithful. That He uses people to bring His plan to fruition. He loves me enough to get my car down the road an extra mile so that I can get help. He loves Robert the tow truck driver so much that He would use my "bad situation" to get him to be able to be with his wife. He loves me enough to have my entire car taken care of when I only had $6.45. His prescence has been BEYOND REAL to me the past few days...How incredible is that!?!?!?!?!?!

And the best part is...I can't boast, no one else can boast, because all the honor, praise, and glory are HIS! No one could have orchestrated all of those details to happen the way that they did! Can I get an AMEN?????? (that is if u made it through this rather lengthy blog!)

Job Search 2009

Well, it's been a few days since the job search officially began. It started off GREAT considering that I haven't had to do a resume since 1999. And that resume was designed specifically to apply for teaching positions. Ummm, yeah, so needless to say I had to get movin' on my resume and get movin FAST! Thanks to the handy dandy work of my big sis, my resume was completed last week and I have been able to get it out to 23 different job postings. Pray that the Lord would allow me to discover the job He has specifically for me!

It's funny...normally if I don't know what is going on in my life I totally, completely FREAK OUT! However, this time I haven't. I have had a weird peace inside of me since this whole process began about a month ago. It's as if the Lord has been preparing my heart for months for this to be happening...He's good like that! Sooo, even though it seems ridiculous that I will find a job that meets my needs and specific "requirements", I just know that I know that I know, that He is not surprised that I am looking, and He has the PERFECT job. I just need to do what He is calling me to do until He allows me to discover it. Scary? Heck yeah! Exciting? Abosolutely! Seemingly impossible? Not when HE is in complete control!!!!

I'm excited to begin this new journey He has for me. I am thrilled at the idea of going overseas! I am anxiously awaiting for all that this journey has for me! I am astounded at His desire and love for me! Thankful that I have a Father who has a plan for my life and as I step out in faith, He will lead and direct me where He desires me!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

Chan Chan Change

WHOA NELLY! The past 2 weeks have been CRAZY! Here are some snipits:

1. I am leaving my position with Chestnut Mountain Ranch to pursue overseas missions. I am applying to do an internship next summer with G.O. Ministries in the Dominican Republic. If I get accepted I will then spend 3 months with the hope of seeing whether or not the Lord is calling me to fulltime missions there. WHAT?!?!?! yeah....crazy, but ridiculously exciting!

It's a tug on my heart that I have been avoiding for sometime and it's about time I take a leap of faith to really see what the Lord has in store. I am confident that He is leading me somewhere, I'm just not quite sure where.

2. Had a rough week (this past week) food wise, but am back on track. I realized after a few days of making poor decisions with food that those daily decisions affect a lot more than my weight. They affect the direction that the Lord is leading me in my life. The main reason I have begun to allow the Lord to change this area of my life is so I can go where He is leading me. Right now, I believe that is the DR, but I can't do ministry unhindered there at my current weight. I had the HUGE realization that every decision I make regarding food has an affect. I have kept picturing the many faces of the people I saw, met, and connected with in the DR. I wanna be healthy enough to see those face in 11 months. Soooo, yes, I am back on track. Back on track indeed!

3. Had a visit with the Teodoro family - man oh man do I love them dearly! Wished that they lived closer, but I'll take an hour lunch with them over nothing!

Me with Jacob & Sam Teodoro

4. I have been in physical therapy for my knees, so I haven't been able to exercise. I'm hoping that will change very soon, because my 5k is a little over a month away! YIKES!!! I hope that the next time I blog, I will have had many a dates with my running shoes and the track!

5. I think that's it for now. :)