*sigh*
so the past week or so I have been catching up on my friends lives by reading blog posts, checking out photo albums on facebook, looking at the many status updates, e-mails, etc.etc. There has been a common theme in my response...
*sigh*
my response has been disappointment and frustration and a lot of sadness. it stinks that my heart is soooo wicked and it stinks that i have thoughts and feelings towards those i love. i look at the many pics of my friends and their special someone and then move on to the pics of their beautiful kiddos...this is where the battle in my heart begins. I sooo desperately want to be joyful for them. I want to leave fun comments about how fun it is that they went here and there with so and so and that their lil one is growing and changing and looking cute as ever, and then i even try to rejoice with all the new babies being born...there are MANY...but I often leave my internet updates very discouraged and angry. I HATE THAT!!!!
Seee, all of you out there have what my heart longs for the most in this life. I desire to love and serve alongside that special someone, i long to change diapers and rock a lil one that i helped create to sleep...but alas, i am left to come home to an empty cold house like i have done for now over 30 years.
Even as I admit this, I know I will get responses like "God's timing is perfect" and "don't waste your singleness, it's a gift" and I KNOW I will get "Changing diapers is hard and not always fun" blah blah blah....I know that there is truth in all of those and the many more statements I have heard many many times, yet the ache is my heart has not lessened. I know that marriage and having children is the most difficult tasks we receive on this earth, but I also can see in the many examples in front of my face how much they are a blessing too.
I don't know...I'm just frustrated at not having what I feel like I was made for...frustrated that "everyone else" has it and doesn't always appreciate it...frustrated frustrated frustrated at myself because I don't trust the Lord in these areas of my life...frustrated that I can't always 100% rejoice with my dear sisters who have the things I long for. (even if they are currently getting karate chopped on their bladder!) i'm just frustrated that I am frustrated....
*sigh*
in my mind there is no end in sight...
2 comments:
1.I bet you take a lot of things for granted and people look at you and wish you appreciated things more, too.
2. This is a hard season for you, thanks for being vulnerable.
3. I'd love to hang out with you again someday.
i feel the same way every time i look at certain friends' facebooks who- regardless of the kid and spouse situation-are skinny, have pretty hair, are dressed up to go out for some fun thing, have money or are on some fun vacation that I don't believe i'll ever be able to afford. then i feel like a very crappy friend. i wish i could comment "oh, you look so pretty" or "i hope that trip was so fun"-- but all i do is feel bitter and fat and unglamorous and poor... in some ways, plug, i get what you're saying. fighting this human stuff is hard.
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