Plan B - Part One

Picture it....it was the summer of 1997...I was on the brink of becoming a college freshman, packing up to go to IUP. a fresh start. a new beginning. the first day of the rest of my life. exciting yes, no?!?!?! I had all these amazing ideas. i was gonna meet a lot of fun people and hopefully not only get a bachelors degree but also my mrs. yes, that's right.....my MRS! Cuz that's what happens to people in college, they meet their soul mates. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it was May 2001...I was on the brink of becoming a college graduate, packing up to head to Colorado for the summer. joining staff with Crusade. a fresh start. a new beginning. the first day of the rest of my life, after college. Again, had all these amazing ideas. meet new people, AND meet my missionary husband. Cuz that's what happens to people in ministry, they meet their match. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it was May 2005...I was on the brink of leaving staff, saying my goodbyes, ready to start working in church ministry. a fresh start. blah blah blah. Amazing ideas....blah bah blah....and this is when I was gonna meet mr right. That is where people meet the person they are meant to be with. right? RIGHT?

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Picture it....it is February 15, 2011....I am no longer working in full time ministry, figuring out the next step the Lord has for me, working in WV. and blah blah blah.....

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It's interesting looking back at my life so far....such hope in every new beginning. Such anticipation of what the Lord had in store for my future. Willingly hoping. Praying for Plan A...trusting for longings to be fulfilled...faith for the seemingly impossible...obedience to His plan...saying no when I needed to say no....choosing His best....turning down a possible marriage knowing it was His desire for me to turn it down....all the while thinking that because I had listened...tried to do right...took steps of faith....that He was gonna somehow magically answer my prayers. That somehow I deserved for Him to give me my plan A.

Well folks, God is not our geenie...He isn't our vending machine of blessings...He isn't manipulated by our obedience...HIS PLANS are already ordained for me...His plan is what will succeed even when up against our greatest abilities of manipulation and bargaining. Trust me....i have bargained with the best of them.

I haven't been a girl that I am proud to be when it comes to accepting Plan A just isn't in the cards for me. I have not be joyful in the midst of trials, I have not been thankful in the midst of withholdings, and I certainly haven't been thankful in the midst of His protection. That is incredibly sad....

Started reading a really great book this past weekend:

Excited about what I am learning......Plan B Part TWO coming tomorrow.....

It's my party and I'll cry if i want to...

so yeah, pity party 2011 went off with a bang....there were tears, angry words, more tears...did i mention the tears...sadly there were no guests, this my friends was a party for one. no decorations, no music. just tears. if i am really really honest, i would say that this party started in the fall of 2010 and has kept going and going and going....

u know, i don't wanna be THAT girl. I wanna be the girl who strives for righteousness, who willingly accepts Plan B, who graciously accepts wounds, who quickly recovers when her world is turned upside down, who doesn't keep the Kleenex company in business, who looks to her Father for comfort, understanding, grace, mercy, love, and patience.

friends, I have NOT been THAT girl. I have been the girl who has sat in her anger and frustration and let the evil one rob me of my joy. It's like he stole all my sparkle....well ok, i kinda gave it to him. I have been the girl who tosses blame, who turns her back on her Creator, who points the finger, and asks WHY me?

I can't say that the party is over, however I can say that I acknowledge that the party has gone on WAY too long, and that it's not a party I wanna host anymore. I CAN say that I don't wanna be the guest of honor anymore. I want my party to be all about Him.

Pray that I let Him change the party theme!

Asher is Awesome

This is my SUPER cute, adorable, fun, precious, giggly nephew Asher!!!

go-stay-move

where You go i'll go. where You stay i'll stay. when You move i'll move....i will follow You.

These are some lyrics of a Chris Tomlin song that I first heard when I was in the Dominican Republic this past summer. When I first heard it, I noticed the beat. Then I noticed the power in the meaning of such simple words...such simple statements...such simple ideas. It has become one of my favorite worship songs and will forever be a song that will spark memories of my 3 months I lived in the DR.

Shortly after I got back to the states, I would play this song over and over again. Claiming the words to be true of my life and heart. Thinking, Lord, if You really want me to go back to the DR to live I will go! This is what I thought the meaning of the song was....for me to be willing to serve Him in the DR. I have listened to it since and the words have taken on a new meaning to me. See before, I kept my focus on the word GO...that must mean I need to go back to the DR. Well, that may indeed be true, but I think the more important word in the song He is now showing me is stay.

Stay in this place....in my house....in my family....in my job.....but GO towards Him. Let Him penetrate my heart in a way I have never experienced before. Stay to deal with hurts and wounds so that I can receive true healing. Stay. Stay? really? For this season...for this time...for right now, I believe that following Him means staying right where I am. I believe staying is what will ultimately move me to GO where He is leading me.

I have decided to trust Him with some HUGE hurts, some DEEP wounds, to fall in love with Him all over again so that I can go and serve and follow as He leads. I have decided to run towards Him...to fall at His throne and soak up His grace, love, forgiveness, and mercy that He is longing for me to see and understand. I also believe that He is asking me to stay...lay my desire to go back to the DR at His feet, and trust that if that is where He wants me, it will come to be.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, my future, heck i don't even know if He will choose to give me a tomorrow. Right now, all I know is that I need to stay. Going back to the DR may be in my future....it's something that when I think about it I get excited. And if after a period of staying He calls me to GO then I will glady, joyfully, obediently GO. (is obediently a word?)

Long over due...

It's amazing to me to see how my blogging trends are indicative of the state of my heart. When all is right in the world of Amanda blogging occurs...a lot. When things in Amanda's world are "off" there is no blogging. My life has been really "off" since coming back from my trip to the DR. I guess you could say that I entered a little depressive state after I had been back for some time and I think I have just been sitting in that state. Still am, but atleast now I am aware of it and can admit it...out loud.

My weight follows a similar pattern....when things are going good, my weight decreases. When things are going not-so-good my weight goes up.

The real issue is this: the state of my heart dictates the state of everything else in my life, good or bad. If my heart isn't doing well then everything about me isn't going well and if my heart is in a good place, everything else is in a good place. Ever think about the sheer amount of verses in the Bible that have the word "heart" in them. I'm pretty sure it's because our hearts are super important. We are supposed to afterall "above all else, guard your heart...."

It's a new year....yay for 2011! I say yay, because I am ready for a fresh start, a new beginning, a clean slate...I am ready for another chance to guard what is most precious in me, to the Lord. I want 2011 to be the year that I actively, intentionally, and purposely guard my heart.

questions....do they ever stop?

sigh

i find myself asking the same questions i remembering asking 10 years ago? will i ever reach a point where i will stop asking? why is it i have such a need to understand why things are the way they are? is it a control thing? if i really knew why, then would i be happy and content with the answer, or would it still not be enough?

is this what trust & faith is all about? stop asking the questions when you never get answers? because the questions run rampant in my mind does that mean i have not faith? will i ever be satisfied just being/existing? will i ever be satisfied in the midst of questions with no answers?

Goal Chart

This girl has been gettin' a lot of stickers this week!!!!!

I made a goal chart...to keep me motivated, encouraged, on task, and accountable. AND it includes creating the chart and the use of stickers so what could be better then that!?!?!?!?!

Some things on my goal chart are:

play the guitar again

blog

honor the Lord with food choices

no eating out

drink less than 1 soda a day

exercise

time with Jesus

encouraging others

reading

I have a long list for each day and at the end of day i put a sticker next to the goals that I reached for that day. I am happy to report that I am allllll stickered up this week!!! It's such a fun visual way to stay motivated! Yay for goal charts/stickers/and reaching the goals!!!!

Lucy

Meet my friend Lucy ~



I don't think I have shared this story with many people...but I think there is a reason I met this jewel of a lil girl. So here it goes....

It was August, 17th roughly 7:30am. I was standing in the first of a few lines in the airport in Santiago, teary eyed and numb. This was the day I left my 3 month journey in the DR. I have shared this next nugget of truth with everyone that has asked: I WAS NOT PREPARED TO LEAVE NOR DID I WANT TO GO. (I still feel this way) As I went from checking my luggage, to waiting to enter the automatic doors feeling Jen & John's eyes on me and hearing them jokingly say "don't look back" (I didn't) there were about a million thoughts running through my mind. Ranging from "who can I call to come and get me and how long until the G.O. staff realize that I didn't get on the plane" to "I can't wait to see my friends again" to "I can't believe my 3 months is really over" and on and on the internal dialogue between me and the Lord went. It's still going on by the way and it's been 5 weeks. *sigh*

OK, back to Lucy....As I exited the first line and got rerouted to my second line I spotted her. She was with an older woman, who appeared to be her grandma, and she was carrying a super cute pink backpack, and she just kept making eye contact with me and grinning from ear to ear. She had my heart right then and there. I said "hola" and she proudly responded "hi! you look just like my mom!" That was the first of MANY sentences out of her lil precious mouth. We quickly became best friends!!! She told me all about her visit in the DR, that she was super excited to go back to Ohio, I look exactly like her mom but whiter, allllllll about school, her little sister, and on and on and on. What a doll!!!!

We chatted in the Santiago airport...and wouldn't ya know it, she was on my flight to Miami just a few seats away so she kept checking to see if I was still in my seat all throughout the flight...she waited for me when we got to miami....chatted all the way to baggage claim...even ended up in the same lines for customs....THEN dun dun dun....I told her that I had to go to my gate. She begged me to stay, clung onto my leg, and cried HUGE crocodile tears.

It was if the Lord knew what I needed for my breaking heart and He provided this ray of sunshine named Lucy. I have thought about her many times since August 17th...I have thanked the Lord for her and the joy she brought me when I needed it! I'm sure the Lord had other reasons that I can't even begin to understand, but I do know that He has a purpose in EVERY single thing, that He uses EVERY single thing for our good and His glory, that things don't "just happen" but there is a purpose even if we don't see it or understand it.

I guess you can say that I see this as a trend in my life the past year and a half...things that seemingly don't make sense or things that seem mundane and ordinary but they are indeed being woven into my life for His purposes and His plans and some day whether it's here on earth or in Heaven, I will understand just what He has been up to...how He has used the very things I spent most of my time questioning for His purposes. I LOVE that He is in the business of orchestrating my life for His glory and that I am called to love and serve and enjoy the ride.

Lord, thank you for Lucy. Thank you for using ALL that you allow for our benefit and Your glory! Thank you that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and nothing happens by chance! Thank you that You give us what we need when we need it and that You protect us from things we may think we want but that aren't best for us. Thank you that You have given me a heart for kids, that I am able to receive so much joy even from a few hours with a girl named Lucy from Ohio! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him

I LOVE this picture. A sweet girl named Clare, from KY took this of me the week I was in the Batey's helping out with a medical clinic. I was not aware of the camera...I am so glad she took this photo. It gives me chills actually.

From my very first trip to the DR (March '09) up to present day (Sept '10) I can't keep track of all the people that have told me what they see in me in my trips to the DR. Things such as: "You have joy like nothing I have ever seen before", "there is a passion in side of you that comes out in the DR", "the true you is seen in your DR pictures", "the love of Christ pours out of u there", "You have the joy of the Lord in the DR"....and I could go on and on and on.

When comments like this first started I just kinda brushed them off....oh, it's only because I am really white compared to the people there or it's cuz I am sweating. (Both are very true!) But the more and more I have been told that the more I feel like the Lord is telling me to really listen to what they are saying....really try to grasp what they see....to understand that He is using them to speak truth into the parts of my heart that doubt resides in.

I know it may seem silly, but have u ever tried to view yourself how others see you. It's hard. And what I find to be EVEN MORE DIFFICULT is viewing me how Christ sees me. Tis my thorn people! BUT I think the Lord is using these comments (and they are a plenty!) to show me how He views me....that when I am most satisfied in Him the more glory He receives...if I light up by serving in the DR and loving the people there, it's Him they are seeing not me. When I have joy, it's Christ in me being revealed!!! Now that is some truth I wanna take to heart!

When I look at the picture above, I get a tingling feeling all over....I remember that day, I remember those kiddos, I remember the silent prayers I prayed over their lil lives, I remember how my heart skipped walking in the Batey's, I remember feeling the joy of the Lord flowing through me, It makes me long for Him....to reveal Him to others...to be and do what He has created me to be and do....it makes me love Him more!

Thank you for all your comments...YOU have been a huge help in me seeing myself as He sees me! Gracias!

back. numb. food. decision.

I have been back in the states for over 3 weeks now. Sure doesn't seem like that is possible. I am having an interesting time of transitioning back to "normal". There have moments where I have hated being in America, or when I am numb to just about every feeling/emotion, and even moments of joy. (ok, to be honest most of the joy has been when I have remembered something that happened when I was in the DR and I jump at the chance to share it with someone, anyone who is within hearing distance and breathing.)

It's hard to put into words just what spending 3 months in the Dominican has done to me, my life, my heart, my future. Even now being back for a Hott Minute, it's still pretty difficult to articulate anything about my experience. This is a very new thing for me to experience. I would describe it as a weird numbness...i dunno. maybe, hopefully one day soon I will get out of the fog I am residing in to allow others to know what my time was like in a way that a human can understand. (me shaking my head and mumbling doesn't quite give an accurate picture of the state of my heart!)

I wanted to share something pretty sweet that happened while I was away. though. so. here. i. go.

You all know how my struggle with food has been ALL my life...and I mean like even when I was in the womb ALL. It's like the idea of food, the ability to "control" what I eat and don't eat has loomed over me like a rain cloud over Eeyore...you know, like when He can't get away from it, he doesn't have a home to hide in, and his tail is missing. That's kinda how I have felt ALL my life. While in the DR I was not controlled by food. Heck, I didn't even really think much about it. I ate what I was given, ate only until I was satisified, didn't snack much at all, and ate plenty of fruits and veggies. (Some may say, oh Amanda...you must have not enjoyed Dominican food and that's why you lost so much weight...on the contrary my friends! The cooks are FANTASTIC and put most everbody I know to shame. They gots skillz yo!)

IT WAS AMAZING! (not just the food but the freedom I experienced)

It was a sweet surprise from the Lord...spending 13 weeks out from under the bondage of this nasty thing...oh the freedom! An encouraging verse that I came across during one of my last weeks in the DR was this: "Do not destoy the work of God for the sake of food" - Romans 14:20 Oh the nuggests of truth, the amount of applicable things to take from such a simply stated verse. No amount of any sugary goodness can compete with the work of God!!!!!! I have said before (this was actually something the Lord taught me on my first trip to the DR) that I can't do what He is asking me to do if I am at an unhealthy weight....right now I am hindering the work of God because I have given into the "cravings" of my sinful nature....and these happen to be food cravings. (get it...cravings....oh i crack myself up!)

In all seriousness though....just think about the implications of that verse...there are sooooooo many ways you can apply it....I would love to know your thoughts about what you believe that verse is saying to you, so by all means, please share!

ANYWAY....I could type for days about what I have seen the Lord do in my heart in this area so I think I will apare you and stop for now.

On a more intense note: I decided to wait to make a decision about my future....go back to the DR fulltime or stay in the states, in 6-8 weeks after my return. I want to be sure that I am hearing from Him and not making an emotional decision. (me emotional? ha! All of you that know me know that it is wise for me to wait, so I am) I am praying, reading His Word, reflecting on my experience, and seeking wise counsel. No matter where He leads me I know that I know that I know He is right there with me, ready to love me, challenge me, stretch me, mold me, and provide for me in the place He is leading me to. What an amazing thing to know that, to believe in it, and to trust in it!