Austin Trip, Asher, Mom, Life, Confusion, blah blah blah...

Just got back from my trip to Austin.... :( I miss my nephew already! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!?!? What a fun visit it turned out to be! My sis and her hubby live in Austin and just had their first child, Asher Henry Sorensen, on February 4th. This was my first trip ever to Texas and my first chance to hold lil Asher in my arms. To say it was a joy is not saying enough! Although I wished that I could have done more to help out, I was able to help my sister get some much needed rest (hopefully I helped!), did some laundry, dishes, snuggled with my nephew, and watched the lil guy so she could get a massage. This was not a hard decision to make...have u seen Asher???? ;) Seriously though, this was something that I wanted to do since I found out my sis was preggers. It's what mom would have done...well, actually she would have moved down to Austin for a few months to help Reba out...wait, NO she would have moved there permanently!

It's times like these that make it harder for me that my mom is no longer here with us...the first BIG event that she missed was Becky & Peter's wedding...she would have been sooo proud to be the mother of the bride that day. I have pictured what her beaming face would have looked like many times since that day. And now with the birth of Asher....her whole being would have radiated knowing that Becky was going to be a mother for the first time. To be quite honest....it SUCKS that my mom has missed those things. It sucks for us to have her not here for those things. I haven't had any major life transitions since she passed like my sis, but I wonder what it will be like for me if and when those moments come. Will it be like the day isn't complete because she's not there? Will it ever be normal to go through life transitions now that she isn't here to be a part of them.

My heart aches for Becky in that way...(Yeppp, Beckers, I sure do hurt for u!). I guess that is what motivates me to fill in the gap so to speak. I would want someone to do that for me. Now don't get me wrong, I love my sis and I would do anything for her, peter, & now Asher, but I can't help but feel even more motivated to do more, be more, give more. Gosh...why does this have to be so hard? It's times like these that I often raise the questions that will never get answered...it's times like these that I have to cling to God's promises, cling to His Word and what I know to be true, and not focus on the why's and not focus on how I feel. I by faith, have to continually place my trust in Him, regardless of how I feel. (I needed to say that twice...it helps me to beleive it even more!!) :)

Here is a precious picture of Becky with Asher

Goodness Becky....you look exactly like mom. My heart aches for her to be here to witness Becky become a wonderful mother. Just watching Becky love on Asher, hold Asher, talk to Asher, and comfort Asher made me so proud to be her sister. Becky...YOU ARE GONNA BE ONE HECK OF A MOM!!! YOU ALREADY ARE!! What a precious precious gift I received by going to Austin Texas!

CONFUSION - I feel like I have entered a new land and it's name would be CONFUSION! Location: my heart and brain! AHHHHHHHHHHH! I blame it on my trip to the Dominican Republic! I have NO IDEA what God is doing in my heart, but something is a stirrin' and it's driving me CRAZY that I'm unsure of it's nature! I still reflect on that trip...It was a weird, difficult, challenging, yet AMAZING trip. For those of you that know me, you may not believe this, but I was just not myself on that trip. I felt like I was an observer...like it was my job to just sit back and watch and take it all in...it was just a weird weird thing. I was soooo bothered and broken over some things that I saw. There were moments during the trip that I couldn't even remember scripture to save my life to encourage another believer. I felt like I was at a loss for words in every situation we were in...and y'all know I am NEVER at a loss for words. NEVER! It was like Amanda took a lil retreat inside herself and watched the trip happen from a distance. Even one of the other members of the group called me out on it. She said that I wasn't "shining" like I normally do. (???) I think that was a compliment that I quickly dismissed. I like to think that I ALWAYS glow....pastey white skin just does that naturally! (See how I use humor to thwart any compliment...even in a blog that I am writing.) Work in Progress is the title of this blog...now do u know why?!?!

Seriously though, I'm not sure what the Lord is doing in my heart...again, I am at a loss for words. I just know that I don't want to miss what He is doing, I don't want to ignore the tugging that is on my heart, I don't want to overlook the things that He desires to teach/show me. Prayerfully I will understand the confusion soon....

On a much lighter note: I WENT TO SAN ANTONIO!!!!!!! YAY! Ok....I know that it may seem really silly to get sooooo excited about that. You just don't understand! I have been a fan of David Robinson since 1989. To even think of walking on the same sidewalk as him was just sooooooo cool to me! AND NO, I AM NOT A STALKER....I just appreciate him, his ability to play ball, his character, and his heart for the Lord. IS THAT SO WRONG???? :) I had hoped that I would have a divine encounter with the admiral, but the day I was in his city, he was in Detroit for the NCAA championship game. R U KIDDING ME?!?!?!? *sigh* ok ok, I know some of you are praying for me after reading this...well my guess is that ALL of you are...THANK YOU! ha!!!! Hey, I take any prayers I can get!! ;) In allllll seriousness, stalkerish tendencies aside, it was a neat thing to be able to go there and experience a little part of the city, and enjoy a fun road trip with Becky, Peter, & lil Asher!

Picture taken at the Alamo